TEL AVIV, Israel – Israel Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu decided today that it’s time to gamble it all. He went down to the local lottery house after stopping by the bank and decided to gamble all his assets, everything his family owns and cherishes, on one lottery ticket. People on the streets asked him what…
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WASHINGTON, D.C. – Attorney General Pam Bondi has announced the formation of a new division within the Justice Department that will focus entirely on long-lasting lawsuits. In the interest of government transparency, the new division will be called the Division of Lengthy Litigation (DOLL). “We’re not skirting this important issue,” Bondi said. “We think that…
BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS – Successful podcast host Brandon Riley, 38, recently expressed his outrage that he feels he’s being “discriminated against in the online dating community.” “I feel like all these women want something serious but I’m just like, not ready to settle down, and I feel like that’s making them swipe left on me on…
WASHINGTON, DC – Since President Trump has been dragged into the Iranian and Israeli war, he has been issuing ultimatums to the Iranian leader, Ayatollah Khomeini. His ultimatums and threats for Iran to surrender have been generally unsuccessful. Last evening, the President issued one more ultimatum, the “last finito done ultimate ultimatum.” Trump claims he…
GALENA, Illinois – After refusing to tip her UberEats driver because she “didn’t have that kind of money,” local woman Victoria Miller found herself paying the consequences and playing Russian roulette with her food. Upon receiving notification her driver had arrived, Miller reportedly peered through blinds to witness the driver loudly announcing to her entire…
DEDHAM, Massachusetts – Jurors find Karen Read not guilty of killing her Boston police officer boyfriend. She was accused of having hit her boyfriend while driving back from bars, intoxicated, as described by witnesses on the stand during the 30-day trial. Her lawyers employed a clever defense which alleged that Karen Read was so inebriated…
WASHINGTON D.C. – A data analyst in the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) panicked and smashed her government-issued computer this week after running internal efficiency metrics that identified her own department as the most wasteful in the federal government. According to coworkers, analyst Sahara Ray had been tasked with showcasing the effectiveness of DOGE’s new…
WASHINGTON, DC – Homeland Security issued a statement today confirming that Kristi Neom, the US Secretary of Homeland Security, was taken to the hospital today due to an allergic reaction. Noem, 53, heads the government agency with roughly 260,000 employees. She has many duties, including immigration enforcement and disaster response. The reason for the allergic…
DENVER, Colorado – Days after learning he would require a kidney transplant, CEO Brent Mallory updated the company’s paid time off policy to allow employees to exchange blood, plasma, and select vital organs for additional vacation days. “This is about creating a culture of care,” said Mallory, 47, who just last month denied office manager…
Cambridge, Massachusetts – University job fairs are an excellent way for students to find a new employer as they finish their school semester. The Atomic Energy Organization of Iran set up a booth to recruit nuclear engineers at Harvard University this past week. It is an unusual move by this military arm of the Iranian…
NORFOLK, Virginia – A scattering of Morbius 2 requests have made their way onto various social media platforms, leaving legit superhero fans angry at the individuals behind every Morbius 2 request, a bunch of insomniacs. “The first review I left was reported for inappropriate content,” said one insomniac who requested anonymity for safety reasons. “It…
MANSFIELD, Connecticut – Alongside visions of civil unrest and political chaos, Peter Turchin, the scholar who predicted America’s breakdown, also foresaw himself donning a crown and ruling as king. “I was asleep and saw a land divided,” said Turchin, who mentioned for the first time that his predictions of growing political instability had originated from…
