Global Monarchs Decry US ‘No Kings’ Protests as Assault on Royal Dignity
LONDON, England — In a rare display of international solidarity, monarchs from across the globe have banded together to condemn the burgeoning “No Kings” protests sweeping the United States, labeling them an existential threat to the time-honored institution of hereditary rule. The demonstrations, which began as a grassroots movement against perceived unchecked executive power and…
Inmates Vanish in Flood at Alligator Alcatraz. South Florida Detention Facility Staff Blames Nature.
OCHOPEE, Florida – In a bizarre turn of events that has left authorities scratching their heads and wildlife experts grinning, the South Florida detention center known colloquially as Alligator Alcatraz was evacuated last week due to unprecedented flooding from Tropical Storm Rex. Guards and staff fled rising waters that transformed the facility’s grounds into a…
Trump Prepares to Bomb Norway After Nobel Peace Prize Snub
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Following the announcement of Maria Corina Machado as winner of this year’s Nobel Peace Prize, President Donald Trump is preparing to blow up Norway. “The NOBEL PRIZES ARE RIGGED!” he wrote in one of thirty-two posts on Truth Social, expressing his apparent dissatisfaction with the Nobel Committee’s selection. “Who the F–K is…
The FCC will Create a TV Rating to Warn Viewers of Political Content.
WASHINGTON, DC – The Federal Communications Commission issued a statement today that it will soon require all TV stations to rate their shows when political content is part of the show. This new rating was prompted by numerous complaints from various audiences that TV shows labeled as comedy cartoons for children or documentaries often contain…
Hegseth to Replace Fired Generals with AI Version of Past Heroes
WASHINGTON, DC – War Secretary Pete Hegseth, after firing yet another round of top generals, has announced that he is replacing them with AI-powered holographic projections of deceased military leaders, specifically Ulysses S. Grant, Robert E. Lee, and John J. “Blackjack” Pershing. “AI is the future of warfare,” Hegseth said in a memo sent to…
The US Supreme Court to split the lower courts. One for the Liberal left and one for the Conservative Right.
WASHINGTON, DC – The Supreme Court announced today that the lower courts will be officially divided into two court systems, as the current lower courts already lean to the left or to the right, depending on the location and the judge’s ideology. With this new arrangement, it will be easier for lawyers to determine in…
We Have the Down-low on 6-7!
NEW YORK – We here at Perineal are on top of the trends, and we’re all over the strange entity known as 6-7. Why are all the kids chanting it these days? What does it even mean? We asked some experts, and here is what they said. Neil deGrasse Tyson, scientist: “If you look at…
Biden’s Sweet Retirement: Former President Opens Ice Cream Shop in Coastal Maine Bar Harbor, Maine
BAR HARBOR, Maine – In a move that blends good memories with sweet cravings, former President Joe Biden has traded the Oval Office for an ice cream counter, inaugurating “Joe’s Scoops” in this quaint sleepy seaside town. The shop, nestled between lobster shacks and antique stores, opened its doors Saturday to a crowd of locals,…
Kushner and Saudis Buy Entertainment Arts (EA)
RIYADH, Saudi Arabia – A group of investors has agreed to pay $55 billion for Electronic Arts, makers of iconic video games like “The Sims” and “Madden NFL.” Among the new owners is Jared Kushner, son-in-law of U.S. President Donald Trump. The group who bought EA includes Kushner’s Affinity Partners, Silver Lake, and PIF, Saudi…
Mickey Mouse Explains Why Calling Him a Plague Rat is Offensive
ORLANDO, Florida – Disney World has released a new ad in which iconic rodent Mickey Mouse pleads with the public to stop calling him a plague rat. This follows the state of Florida’s announcement that it plans to repeal vaccine requirements in the state’s schools. “First, I’d like to point out that I’m a mouse,…
Pumpkin Spice Latte Index Hits New Lows with Introduction of Dollar Menu
SEATTLE, Washington – While the country’s leaders insist the economy has never been better, Starbucks Coffee’s latest announcement of a new dollar menu throws that claim into question. “In a time of tariffs and inflation, we’ve worked hard to keep prices low for our customers,” says company spokesperson Caffay O’Lay. “Today, we reveal our new…
‘Crypto Wiz Kid’ Floats New Stage in Business Cycle
SAN JOSE, California – A well-known influencer is proposing adding a stage to the business cycle, to celebrate success. Erik Finman, known around the world as the “teen who made a fortune in crypto,” has floated the creation of the Optimization Intermission, an official element of the traditional four-stage business cycle that is a staple…
Rudy to Lead Department of Condiment Security
WASHINGTON D.C. – The federal government will create a new high-level department to counteract an attempt by an Australia state to throw the world plastic fish market into turmoil. A White House report gave some preliminary details on the Department of Condiment Security, to be headed up by former NYC mayor and Trump advisor Rudy…
Sports
Baseball’s Robo-Ump Payola Scandal Revealed
NBA Star Gets Mom’s Rules for Living
Science
James Cameron Tracking ‘Smart’ Octopi
Local
‘Green Power’ Scheme by Power Utility Revealed as Fraud
SAN RAFAEL, California – Executives of a Marin County power company face charges of consumer fraud after bilking an estimated 3,000 customers out of more than $1 million by selling “recycled electricity” – a product that doesn’t exist. GreenAgain Energy, which had billed itself as a Marin County start-up, had convinced customers to pay a…
Local Fashion Pioneer Pushes Ear Botox as Next Beauty Frontier
HOLLYWOOD, California – In a bold bid to redefine aesthetic norms, California socialite Ethel Evergreen has unveiled her latest crusade: Botox implants for the ears. Declaring the era of plump lips “utterly passé,” Evergreen insists that elongated, chemically-enhanced lobes are the future of facial fashion. Speaking from her Beverly Hills mansion, where walls are adorned…
Man Driven to Madness by Foreign Agent Customer Service Plea: “I Hope for Your Understanding”
NEW YORK, New York – In a bizarre incident local resident Harold Jenkins, 52, was reportedly driven to a state of temporary insanity after encountering what he described as the “final straw” in a protracted battle with customer service representatives. The episode unfolded during a routine phone call to his cable provider on Tuesday evening,…
