Lifestyle

NEW YORK, New York – Kalshi, the CFTC-regulated prediction market, announced yesterday the launch of its most intimate contract to date: “Will My Wife Discover the Kalshi Mobile Application on My Primary Device Before 31 December 2025?” The binary event contract, trading under the ticker HIDE, opened at 28¢ for Yes (implying a 28% probability…

AUSTIN, Texas – Security footage from Tesla’s Gigafactory in Texas has revealed a Tesla Optimus robot idly scrolling through its smartphone, apparently entertained by humorous videos on X, the platform formerly known as Twitter. The grainy clip, leaked anonymously to this outlet, captures the humanoid robot idle at a factory corner what should have been…

AUSTIN, Texas – Tesla shareholders today green-lit Elon Musk’s 1-trillion-dollar compensation package, instantly transforming the CEO into humanity’s most prolific prospective father. Dubbed Project Progeny, Musk’s plan will leverage the payout to support 100,000 children worldwide, a demographic counterstrike against “the fertility cliff.” Speaking post-vote at Giga Texas, Elon Musk framed the initiative as existential…

NEW YORK – We here at The Perineal are on top of the trends, and we’re all over the strange entity known as 67. Why are all the kids chanting it these days? What does it even mean? We asked some experts, and here is what they said. 67 Has Different Meanings to Different People…

WASHINGTON – The man in driver seat at White House car crash has been revealed to former President Joe Biden, who, sources said, got out of the car thinking he was going home. The car hit a barrier at the corner of 17th and E Streets at 10:30 p.m near the White House gates. President…

ORLANDO, Florida – Disney World has released a new ad in which iconic rodent Mickey Mouse pleads with the public to stop calling him a plague rat. This follows the state of Florida’s announcement that it plans to repeal vaccine requirements in the state’s schools. “First, I’d like to point out that I’m a mouse,…