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November 19, 2025
The Perineal > News > Lifestyle

Lifestyle

We Have the Down-low on 6-7!- Untitled 1
October 24, 2025
We Have the Down-low on 6-7!
Lifestyle
October 24, 2025

NEW YORK – We here at Perineal are on top of the trends, and we’re all over the strange entity known as 6-7. Why are all the kids chanting it these days? What does it even mean? We asked some experts, and here is what they said. Neil deGrasse Tyson, scientist: “If you look at…

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Biden's Sweet Retirement: Former President Opens Ice Cream Shop in Coastal Maine Bar Harbor, Maine- Biden ice cream
October 12, 2025
Biden’s Sweet Retirement: Former President Opens Ice Cream Shop in Coastal Maine Bar Harbor, Maine
Lifestyle
October 12, 2025

BAR HARBOR, Maine – In a move that blends good memories with sweet cravings, former President Joe Biden has traded the Oval Office for an ice cream counter, inaugurating “Joe’s Scoops” in this quaint sleepy seaside town. The shop, nestled between lobster shacks and antique stores, opened its doors Saturday to a crowd of locals,…

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 Kushner and Saudis Buy Entertainment Arts (EA)- EA games
October 9, 2025
 Kushner and Saudis Buy Entertainment Arts (EA)
Lifestyle
October 9, 2025

RIYADH, Saudi Arabia – A group of investors has agreed to pay $55 billion for Electronic Arts, makers of iconic video games like “The Sims” and “Madden NFL.”  Among the new owners is Jared Kushner, son-in-law of U.S. President Donald Trump. The group who bought EA includes Kushner’s Affinity Partners, Silver Lake, and PIF, Saudi…

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Mickey Mouse Explains Why Calling Him a Plague Rat is Offensive- mickey mouse
October 8, 2025
Mickey Mouse Explains Why Calling Him a Plague Rat is Offensive
Lifestyle
October 8, 2025

ORLANDO, Florida – Disney World has released a new ad in which iconic rodent Mickey Mouse pleads with the public to stop calling him a plague rat. This follows the state of Florida’s announcement that it plans to repeal vaccine requirements in the state’s schools. “First, I’d like to point out that I’m a mouse,…

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President Trump Files for a Patent with the US Patent Office- Trump Hair Patent
October 8, 2025
President Trump Files for a Patent with the US Patent Office
Lifestyle
October 8, 2025

ALEXANDRIA, Virginia – In a move that blends entrepreneurial flair with personal branding, former President Donald J. Trump has filed a patent application for his iconic hairstyle, described in official documents as a “gravity-defying aerodynamic comb-over.” The filing, submitted to the United States Patent and Trademark Office (USPTO) last week, argues that the look represents…

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McDonalds Launches a New Hamburger for the Fall- 20250905 1610 Double Orange Patties remix 01k4e274kae4sbrc1zg3p0wy9m
September 30, 2025
McDonalds Launches a New Hamburger for the Fall
Lifestyle
September 30, 2025

CHICAGO, Illinois – McDonalds announced today the launch of a new signature hamburger as part of its creative marketing effort to increase declining sales and hamburger sizes. The new hamburger, named McPumpkin, is being launched as a fall promotional item with three options to choose from: Cinnamon Pumpkin, Spicy McPumpkin, or Spooky McPumpkin Pie for…

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Apple to Launch Next iPhone with Roman Numerals to Claim Worthwhile Improvements- IPHONE RICKY no text
September 20, 2025
Apple to Launch Next iPhone with Roman Numerals to Claim Worthwhile Improvements
Lifestyle
September 20, 2025

CUPERTINO, California – A leak from Apple Inc gave The Perineal insight into the yet to be officially announced new iPhone, the iPhone XVIII. Indeed, it will be the eighteenth iPhone, though Apple insists it will actually be the “first” phone to matter since the previous one. According to executives, writing the number in Roman…

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Dog Returns to Family After Ten Years, Now Is Practicing Buddhist- Budha Labrador
September 17, 2025
Dog Returns to Family After Ten Years, Now Is Practicing Buddhist
Lifestyle
September 17, 2025

MONROE COUNTY, Pennsylvania – After ten years, a beloved dog has returned to its Pennsylvania family, only to surprise them by becoming a practicing Buddhist. “He used to be very wild and rambunctious,” says Melanie Hatsiff, who had given up hope of ever finding their missing Golden Retriever. “I mean, it’s really great to have…

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The Big Divide Day
September 14, 2025
World Enacts the Big Divide Day: An Emergency Call as Everyone Cancels Everyone Else.
Lifestyle
September 14, 2025

NEW YORK, New York – World leaders declared today, September 14th, 2025 – “The Big Divide Day”.  The day is an emergency call due to the increased “Cancel” mentality from all corners of society. Leaders claim society is at a moment in time where people in many cultures are either no longer communicating, moving away…

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President Signs Executive Order Making McDonalds Food the Official White House Food Supplier.- 20250901 2209 Trumps McDonalds Feast simple compose 01k44d64qzf3d886e1z13cbp1a
September 9, 2025
President Signs Executive Order Making McDonalds Food the Official White House Food Supplier.
Lifestyle
September 9, 2025

WASHINGTON, D.C — President Trump announced today that he signed an executive order earlier today over breakfast while eating an Egg McMuffin at the white house. The revelation came as a surprise even for the White House staff, who were not aware of the order signed earlier. Sources reveal to The Perineal that the White…

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Banks Deny Customers Ability to Close Accounts Since Breakup Isn’t Mutual.- 20250908 0136 Letter with Flowers remix 01k4m7c3dtez0sck49t0hssd1a
September 8, 2025
Banks Deny Customers Ability to Close Accounts Since Breakup Isn’t Mutual.
Lifestyle
September 8, 2025

ARLINGTON, Virginia – Unable to tolerate the rejection they face when customers close their accounts, banks across the country are denying customers the ability since the decision isn’t mutual. “Some of these clients have been with us for five, ten years, then with no warning, we get a call that they are no longer interested….

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Anti-Expert Experts Criticize Experts- PAL experts
September 3, 2025
Anti-Expert Experts Criticize Experts
Lifestyle
September 3, 2025

CHICAGO, Illinois – The Proud Amateur League (PAL), an organization specializing in the field of discrediting expertise, has published a long-awaited 300-page expert anti-expert report criticizing experts. “After much conjecture and loose suspicions, we can now definitively conclude that all experts are full of poo,” said PAL anti-expert expert Charlene Milford. “All their vaunted science…

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