DENVER, Colorado – Days after learning he would require a kidney transplant, CEO Brent Mallory updated the company’s paid time off policy to allow employees to exchange blood, plasma, and select vital organs for additional vacation days.

“This is about creating a culture of care,” said Mallory, 47, who just last month denied office manager Suzie’s request for an extra day off to care for her dying father. According to sources, Mallory’s sudden turn toward “community wellness” came shortly after his doctor informed him he would most certainly die of kidney failure long before his name reached the top of the national transplant list, unless, of course, he could find “a generous Type B with a low-to-medium stress lifestyle.”

Witnesses say Mallory has spent the week calling various employees to his office under the guise of work meetings to casually ask them their blood types and offer to “circle back about those vacation days.”

“I was on unpaid leave caring for my dad when he called,” said Suzie. “He asked for my father’s blood type, how long he had left, and whether he wanted to donate a kidney before passing.” She hung up and submitted her resignation minutes later.

So far, no employees have volunteered an organ, though several have donated blood in hopes of building a long weekend around Memorial Day. Since the policy changes Mallory had quietly removed blood and plasma from the PTO policy and posted a job listing to replace Suzie, seeking a Chief Kidney Contribution Officer who was a team player with a “Type B” attitude and a willingness to give 100%.