SAN FRANCISCO, California – The State of California announced today that it will no longer complete the bullet train project. Governor Gavin Newsom explained during a press conference at a homeless conference in San Francisco that the project’s projected budget is $150 billion, with a completion date in 2081. The State of California will instead…
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WASHINGTON, D.C. – Fearing the Department of Education is making Americans less educated and illiterate, the Trump administration is dismantling it and rebranding it as Thoughts and Prayers to address the nation’s growing educational crisis. “I care about American education,” said Trump. “Tiny American kids, little boys and little girls, who can’t even read the…
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Secretary of State Marco Rubio has acknowledged what been widely whispered for weeks, that the State Department was consulting the ghost of former President Jimmy Carter on how to bring peace to the Middle East. “No one knows more how to bring people together than Jimmy Carter,” Rubio said. “I’ve been tasked…
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Serial entrepreneur Elon Musk has pledged to launch a mission to Mars by the end of next year and, further, to guarantee the mission’s success by going along himself. Musk, who has made headlines recently as the erstwhile head of the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE), is the owner of a handful…
NEW YORK, New York – After watching Diddy edge closer to a Trump pardon despite being labeled a child diddler, Mangione promises to turn over a new leaf and only commit sexual assault crimes if pardoned by President Trump. “I shouldn’t have gone after billionaires,” said Mangione who has been charged with 11 crimes for…
While pandemic-era Zoom culture drew attention to individuals who joined meetings just long enough to say here before disappearing into the void, researchers believe a more ancient and insidious group used that moment to blend in, people who nod constantly to appear engaged but have not heard a single thing. “Contrary to popular belief, this…
BOCA CHICA, Texas – Thinking that Elon was another Tesla moving on its own, a Democrat wanting to join in on the Tesla attacks, threw a punch out and caught Elon in the eye. “I saw him moving in that stilted yet smooth manner and just assumed he was the newest Tesla model,” said Martin…
FREMONT, CA – Neuralink posted today on the X platform that the company will share with the world a public demo of their progress (https://x.com/neuralink/status/1929605979672334645). It has been known for some time that the company, owned by Elon Musk, has developed incredible breakthrough technologies that can change the world and bring significant relief to patients…
WACO, Texas – Local woman Callie Jo Johnson made a beeline for Aldi this morning, clutching a $20 bill, a wad of coupons, and the perception that a “stock market crash” meant food was going on sale. “I heard on the radio that the stock market done crashed,” Callie Jo said, steering her cart down…
DETROIT, Michigan – Loyal viewers of the hit series White Lotus have gone through identity crises since Season 3 aired, especially local man Nick, who was hit the hardest after binge-watching the show’s latest season and is now concerned about incestuous acts taking place during his upcoming family vacation. Initially planning to relax, hit the…
LONDON, UK – The UK has announced that the Royal Navy Submarine Service will be adding 12 new nuclear submarines to its fleet. The announcement comes as Keir Starmer sees a greater threat facing the UK, and the UK’s commitment to increase its defense budget as required by NATO. The new submarines will start to…
DOVER, Delaware – After sixty years of hard work and putting away 10% of his paycheck, local boomer Dan is looking forward to his retirement, confident that he’ll have enough to last him about two years. “I’m really looking forward to it,” Dan said with a twinkle in his eye. “I’ve spent decades working, and…
