WASHINGTON, D.C. – While combing through files for more foreign individuals to deport, Secretary of State Marco Rubio found his own name on the State Department’s internal “Suspicious Heritage, Deport Soon” (SHDS) list. Sources inside the agency say Rubio had been chuckling to himself as he personally reviewed case files and fast-tracked deportations for anyone…
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PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania – On Friday morning, SEPTA implemented a new behavioral code, sparked by the ban of a woman who smelled noticeably pleasant on the Market-Frankford Line. The violator, 28-year-old Vivian Chen, reportedly boarded the eastbound train around 8:15 a.m. wearing freshly laundered clothing and scented deodorant. “I didn’t want to smell like the inside…
WASHINGTON D.C. – John Roberts, Chief Justice of the United States, has announced that going forward, the Supreme Court will announce its decisions on the social media network X. Joining Roberts to make the announcement were Justices Samuel Alito, Neil Gorsuch, Brett Kavanaugh, and Clarence Thomas. Using the official Supreme Court handle @HighCourtMajorityRules, Roberts said…
SEATTLE – Engineers at the famed Space Needle have announced a major upgrade to the iconic observation tower: They are going to make it lean, just like the Leaning Tower of Pisa. They presented today a conceptual rendering of the design at the top of the tower. The famed Tower of Pisa, the campanile of…
KANSAS CITY – The Kansas City Chiefs have announced plans to bring back Bo Jackson, one of the most iconic football players of the late 1980s. Chiefs Confirm Talks on Bo Jackson’s Return Jackson, 63, who last played in the National Football League in 1990, has recently undergone a large number of transformational surgeries in…
SEATTLE, Washington – On Tuesday afternoon, after a series of killing rampages across the state, Ella Harris successfully stopped a bloodthirsty killer by bravely shouting, “Stop. Please look at me. This isn’t you.” Ella, who had been walking home from work at 2 a.m. and took an isolated alley as a shortcut to her apartment,…
WASHINGTON, D.C. – After much anticipation, the Senate passed its version of the “Big Beautiful Bill” today, which has been renamed “The Other Big Beautiful Bill Act” or TOBBBA. TOBBBA became the talk of Washington with sweeping reforms from infrastructure upgrades to creating the nation’s first federally sponsored golf VIP clubs. But the bill’s final…
LYON, France – Although he hadn’t been afraid of monsters in his closet since he was five, 15-year-old André Laurent has recently developed a deep fear that France’s First Lady, Brigitte Macron, is hiding in his closet. “My son used to sleep just fine and had met every developmental milestone,” said his mother Denise. “But…
DETROIT, Michigan – Proving that such a thing as too much self-respect exists, local Gen Z job seeker Angelica Langley upheld her monetary standards directly into homelessness after declining 74 employment offers she deemed insultingly below her worth. Gen Z Job Seeker Rejects Dozens of Offers “My career counselor advised me to act desperate for…
EVANSVILLE, Indiana – Tommy, a 5 year old who has been put on the diet of a middle-aged woman attempting to lose weight, is struggling with his mother’s latest health crusade. The recent food dye ban has become her new favorite weapon in the battle against his beloved Fruit Loops. “The entire family has to…
AUSTIN, Texas – Tesla successfully launched its much-anticipated robotaxi service yesterday, a project that has been in development for years. The service is powered by a sophisticated AI and provides rides without the need for a driver. The system is so innovative and self-aware that it is expected to change the world. To Tesla’s engineers,…
SEMEN, Indonesia = Billionaire Aloo Durex is known to have fathered many children. Some through various marriages over the years, but many through artificial insemination as a sperm donor. Mr. Durex, famous for launching a social chat app often used for pornography and other sexual content, has made a fortune of over $10 billion over…
