Politics

Washington, D.C. – Echoing his declaration yesterday that fentanyl constitutes a “weapon of mass destruction,” President Donald J. Trump has now targeted pizza as an equally insidious threat to American society, labeling it a covert agent to make the nation lazy and sedentary. “Yesterday it was fentanyl, today it’s pizza—both sneaking in, destroying lives, and…

Washington, D.C. – Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) has abruptly terminated her engagement to longtime partner Riley Roberts, citing irreconcilable ideological differences stemming from his recent acquisition of a red baseball cap and unexplained late-night sessions on the social media platform X. Caught Red Handed Sources close to the congresswoman, speaking on condition of anonymity to…

LONDON, England — In a rare display of international solidarity, monarchs from across the globe have banded together to decry he burgeoning “No Kings” protests sweeping the United States, labeling them an existential threat to the time-honored institution of hereditary rule. The demonstrations, which began as a grassroots movement against perceived unchecked executive power and…

OCHOPEE, Florida – In a bizarre turn of events that has left authorities scratching their heads and wildlife experts grinning, the South Florida detention center known colloquially as Alligator Alcatraz was evacuated last week due to unprecedented flooding from Tropical Storm Rex. Guards and staff fled rising waters that transformed the facility’s grounds into a…

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Following the announcement of Maria Corina Machado as winner of this year’s Nobel Peace Prize, President Donald Trump is preparing to blow up Norway. “The NOBEL PRIZES ARE RIGGED!” he wrote in one of thirty-two posts on Truth Social, expressing his apparent dissatisfaction with the Nobel Committee’s selection. “Who the F–K is…

WASHINGTON, DC – The Federal Communications Commission issued a statement today that it will soon require all TV stations to rate their shows when political content is part of the show. This new rating was prompted by numerous complaints from various audiences that TV shows labeled as comedy cartoons for children or documentaries often contain…

WASHINGTON, DC – War Secretary Pete Hegseth, after firing yet another round of top generals, has announced that he is replacing them with AI-powered holographic projections of deceased military leaders, specifically Ulysses S. Grant, Robert E. Lee, and John J. “Blackjack” Pershing. “AI is the future of warfare,” Hegseth said in a memo sent to…

WASHINGTON, DC – The Supreme Court announced today that the lower courts will be officially divided into two court systems, as the current lower courts already lean to the left or to the right, depending on the location and the judge’s ideology. With this new arrangement, it will be easier for lawyers to determine in…

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In President Trump’s latest executive order, the Gulf of America will be renamed the Gulf of Charlie Kirk. “I take this action to enshrine a great, loving patriot who constantly warned us of the perils of immigrants flooding our nation and turning us into a colony,” wrote the president. “Plus, this will…

NEW YORK, New York – The UN building experienced several technical failures today as President Trump arrived to deliver his speech to the assembly. In addition to the escalators and teleprompters failing to function, the UN building’s toilets also experienced several issues that ultimately caused water containing feces to flow out of the bathrooms and…

Washington D.C. – The ABC Network claims that they started looking for a replacement for Jimmy Kimmel soon after he was suspended from his late-night talk show “Jimmy Kimmel Live!”. People close to the matter noted that the ABC parent company had input on the selection for the new host. It was to our staff’s…