Local

HOLLYWOOD, California – In a bold bid to redefine aesthetic norms, California socialite Ethel Evergreen has unveiled her latest crusade: Botox implants for the ears. Declaring the era of plump lips “utterly passé,” Evergreen insists that elongated, chemically-enhanced lobes are the future of facial fashion. Speaking from her Beverly Hills mansion, where walls are adorned…

WATERTOWN, New York – Two middle-aged siblings embarked on what they anticipated would be a somber task: sorting through the belongings of their recently deceased father, Allen Wilkins, a retired accountant known for his meticulous habits. What they uncovered, however, has sparked a bizarre family revelation. John Wilkins, 52, a software engineer from Chicago, and…

PORTLAND, Oregon – The Oregon Legislature has passed the progressive Less Fabric is More tax, effective immediately for the summer months of June through September. The new levy imposes graduated fees on public attire, penalizing those who dare to layer up in the Pacific Northwest’s notoriously mild heat waves, while rewarding the bare essentials with…

KANSAS CITY, Kansas —Local Man Bob Baxter, 67, is convinced that “If it doesn’t scan, it’s free” is state law, despite lawyer friends telling him it is not. “I will take this issue to the Supreme Court,” he announced at a recent family dinner. “I was willing to let it go when the ninety-nine-cent pack…

CHAPEL HILL, North Carolina – George and Emily Neylander, a married couple known for frequently and brazenly throwing stones, were killed by a giant meteor just a few yards outside of their glass house, which was completely undamaged. “I told them this kind of thing could happen, but they didn’t listen,” says Rhodes Bomars, a…

WOODSBORO, California – A local roommate remains adamant that they had nothing to do with the shattered glass in the kitchen sink, despite being the only other person in the apartment at the time and living in a two-bed, two-bath apartment. “I didn’t even go near the sink today,” she said, arms crossed. “Maybe it…

LOS ANGELESE, California—In a bold move, the billionaire-funded think tank Save Our Seas (SOS) has launched a multi-million dollar social media campaign to pit orcas and other cetaceans against each other. Billionaires Fuel Aggressive Save Our Seas Campaign It’s become clear that the orcas are cruelly targeting the yachts of those who have the misfortune…

PISGAH FOREST, North Carolina – 38-year-old Harvey Detletter, accused of using a chainsaw to bring down an American sycamore in a forest, swears the tree did not make a sound when it fell. “I went into the forest to see if the legend was true,” said Detletter as he was taken into custody. “And there…

SHREVEPORT, Louisiana – As federal student loan collections resume, local Christian man Chester Small cannot be bothered by the notifications he keeps receiving or the threats to have portions of his paycheck withheld because he considers the student loans he took out as part of the sins Jesus forgave him for. “Jesus died for all…

SAN FRANCISCO, California — Earlier today, the San Francisco Police Department was called to an apartment in the Tenderloin district after a distressed lady reported a man found deceased. The man, Roger Powers, 54, was found deceased lying on top of a robotic companion. The police are investigating the manner; however, they believe the man…