News

Man Driven to Madness by Foreign Agent Customer Service Plea: “I Hope for Your Understanding”

October 28, 2025

HOLLYWOOD, California – In a bold bid to redefine aesthetic norms, California socialite Ethel Evergreen has unveiled her latest crusade: Botox implants for the ears. Declaring the era of plump lips “utterly passé,” Evergreen insists that elongated, chemically-enhanced lobes are the future of facial fashion. Speaking from her Beverly Hills mansion, where walls are adorned…

October 27, 2025

October 27, 2025

NEW YORK, New York – In a bizarre incident local resident Harold Jenkins, 52, was reportedly driven to a state of temporary insanity after encountering what he described as the “final straw” in a protracted battle with customer service representatives. The episode unfolded during a routine phone call to his cable provider on Tuesday evening,…

Pumpkin Spice Latte Index Hits New Lows with Introduction of Dollar Menu

Economy

SEATTLE, Washington – While the country’s leaders insist the economy has never been better, Starbucks Coffee’s latest announcement of a new dollar menu throws that claim into question. “In a time of tariffs and inflation, we’ve worked hard to keep prices low for our customers,” says company spokesperson Caffay O’Lay. “Today, we reveal our new…

We Have the Down-low on 6-7!

Lifestyle

NEW YORK – We here at Perineal are on top of the trends, and we’re all over the strange entity known as 6-7. Why are all the kids chanting it these days? What does it even mean? We asked some experts, and here is what they said. Neil deGrasse Tyson, scientist: “If you look at…

Driver of Car that Hit White House Gates: Biden

WASHINGTON – The man driving the car that crashed into the White House gates has been revealed to former President Joe Biden, who, sources said, got out of the car thinking he was going home. The car hit a barrier at the corner of 17th and E Streets at 10:30 p.m. President Trump was in…

Evangelicals to Rebrand the Rapture as Super Happy Armageddapalooza™

World

MONTGOMERY, Alabama – Following the latest no-show of the Rapture, leading evangelicals have decided to rebrand the end-of-days event as Super Happy Armageddapalooza™. “It’s time to update our image and get with the times, before those times come to an end,” says Dr. Skip “Skippy” Stantin, Christian theologian and dental hygienist. “And what better way…

Fat Bear Association Inks Sponsorship Deals for 2026

Science

KATMAI NP, Alaska—The head of the Fat Bear Association, Yogi Doesn’t Share, has announced a slew of sponsorship deals for Fat Bear Week 2026. “We realized it’s time to capitalize on our chonky accomplishments,” says Yogi. “This event is a national phenomenon, and you know who’s not getting paid? The fat bears doing all the…

Nobel Grants Trump Special Award for ‘Language’

World

Global Monarchs Decry US ‘No Kings’ Protests as Assault on Royal Dignity

OSLO, Norway – Bowing to significant international pressure, the Nobel Committee has created a special award just for Donald Trump. They’ve even named it after him. The U.S. president is the inaugural winner of the Nobel Award for the Advancement of Linguistic Convention, already colloquially referred to as the Trump Prize. First and foremost, the…

October 19, 2025

Politics

October 19, 2025

LONDON, England — In a rare display of international solidarity, monarchs from across the globe have banded together to condemn the burgeoning “No Kings” protests sweeping the United States, labeling them an existential threat to the time-honored institution of hereditary rule. The demonstrations, which began as a grassroots movement against perceived unchecked executive power and…

Heirs Inherit Vast Trove of Allen Wrenches: A Father’s Frugal

WATERTOWN, New York – Two middle-aged siblings embarked on what they anticipated would be a somber task: sorting through the belongings of their recently deceased father, Allen Wilkins, a retired accountant known for his meticulous habits. What they uncovered, however, has sparked a bizarre family revelation. John Wilkins, 52, a software engineer from Chicago, and…

The State of Oregon Will Impose a Dress Code Fee for Public Attire.