ROCHESTER, Minnesota – In a new clinical study, researchers have proposed that limb amputation may be the most effective weight loss solution. The study involved four groups, each testing a different method of shedding pounds. Group one was tasked with drinking a special tea designed to cause extreme diarrhea, while group two experimented with Ozempic,…
All News
WASHINGTON DC – In a nod to the on-the-go music generation, Homeland Security Secretary Kirsti Noem has released a playlist to accompany the project to paint the border wall. Noem announced that, in deference to an idea floated by President Trump, workers would paint the metal wall black, to make it hotter and thereby deter…
SAN FRANCISCO, California — The trump administration has made an agreement with the Chinese Communist government to allow 600,000 Chinese persons to enter the United States with a student visa. The agreement was made at an undisclosed location and under undisclosed terms, and it comes as a big surprise to the American youth community and…
BIRMINGHAM, ENGLAND – At a joint news conference, Madonna and the surviving members of Black Sabbath announced that they would be joining forces as a band and embarking on a world tour. “This is not a joke,” said Sabbath guitarist Tony Iommi. “We have long respected Madonna’s musicianship and her songwriting, and we are looking…
WASHINGTON, DC – The Trump administration is moving to fire the Fed Governor Lisa Cook, claiming to have evidence of Mortgage Fraud by Cook. Allegedly, Cook double-dipped on primary residence claims for two loans mere weeks apart. Trump claims that he has the right to remove Cook for gross negligence. Of course, this comes from the…
MANHATTAN, Kansas – The “Little Apple” is getting a much bigger bite of the prize. This northeastern Kansas town will soon be home to a gleaming new glassmaking plant, which has secured an exclusive contract to manufacture screens for iPhones and Apple Watches. Corning, headquartered in Harrodsburg, Kentucky, said that its initial agreement to make…
WASHINGTON – Tucker Carlson and Joe Rogan have launched a movement to remind everyone else who’s boss. Its call letters are WWP, and it stands for We Wear the Pants. “With all due respect to Sydney Sweeney, it’s men in America who wear the pants,” Carlson said, “and Joe and I intend to help people…
HOLLYWOOD, California – A number of A-list actors recently have admitted watching and rewatching their own films, in a growing trend. The latest was Winona Ryder, who says her favorite film was Heathers, which set her on the road to stardom. “Sometimes I watch it and imagine I’m a Heather,” Ryder said recently. “Most of…
RENO, Nevada – In a stunning revelation, a social media user admits to changing his political viewpoints because of a friend’s relentless posts. “I couldn’t believe it myself,” says Milton Abercarp (not his real name) of Reno, Nevada. “I guess he just kind of wore me down.” Abercarp, a registered Republican, would frequently engage in…
BATON ROUGE, Louisiana – A brother’s siblings have stood by his side no matter what, even going so far as to gaslight their mother, who suspects that her son’s red eyes and distinct herbal scent may be due to smoking weed. “Look, why would he do weed? How would he even get it?” said 17-year-old…
WASHINGTON – More details have emerged about the next Kennedy Center Honors awards program, and among the planned highlights are a celebrity wrestling match and a live-streaming episode of a new reality TV show. President Donald Trump recently announced the recipients of this year’s Honors: actor Sylvester Stallone, singers George Strait and Gloria Gaynor, actor-singer…
WASHINGTON – The man arrested for throwing a sandwich at a federal officer wants his food back. “It’s my favorite, and it’s a far sight better than what they’re feeding me in here.” Sean Dunn had confronted a group of law enforcement officers in Washington and had shouted at them for a time. His final…
