Following President Trump’s dismissal of Commissioner of Labor Statistics Erika McEntarfer, future job numbers will now be determined by consulting a Magic 8 Ball. “The President has been using a custom made Magic 8 Ball to set tariff rates over the past six months,” said Commerce Secretary/Presidential Fluffer Howard Lutnick. “And that’s worked out pretty…
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In a bold move the Trump administration has finally offered to make a trade with Denmark for Greenland. The administration is strongly proposing that the US trades American Samoa and the Northern Mariana Islands to Denmark for Greenland. After all, most Americans don’t even know that the United States controls American Samoa (population 49,000) and…
Earlier this year in the debut episode of his new TLC reality show The Baldwins, 66-year-old Alec Baldwin opened up about his family’s increasingly cramped living conditions in their 4,137-square-foot Devonshire House penthouse, which he described as “too small.” Despite the $11.7 million price tag, Baldwin’s home is packed to the brim with wife Hilaria,…
HOLLYWOOD, CA – Following a $50 billion capitulation deal with the current White House administration, a conservative reboot of Superman has been given the greenlight by Warner Brothers. “We couldn’t be prouder to bring this anti-woke version of the beloved comic book character to the screen,” said an enthusiastic CEO Thomas Gilamersh, while a gun…
In an unusual turn of events, President Donald Trump claims the late billionaire sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein didn’t actually exist. “People keep talking about Epstein, but frankly, I never heard of him,” said Trump during a press conference this morning in which he also blamed Joe Biden for causing the Chelyabinsk meteor to crash into…
AUSTIN, Texas – Republicans in the Texas state house have released illustrations of the proposed new congressional maps, and some eagle-eyed observers have seen all manner of things in them. One map in particular, that of Dallas County, the state’s most populous, has produced some widespread sightings. “I see a floppy-eared dog,” said one reporter…
NEW YORK, New York — American Eagle is making headlines this week after unveiling its latest ad campaign featuring Euphoria star Sydney Sweeney. The campaign, launched to promote the new “Sydney Jean” and raise awareness for domestic violence, has instead sparked a wave of online backlash over its questionable messaging, awkward wordplay, and a stunning…
ANAHEIM – It’s Perry Minasian’s day to shine. The general manager of the Los Angeles Angels has revealed that he put one over on the cross-SoCal Dodgers, sending them a nonexistent player in exchange for a handful of current and budding stars. The player in question was named Miguel Santangelo, and the Angels billed him…
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Following a whirlwind courtship, RFK, Jr.’s brain worm, Lewis, and his girlfriend, Tanya, were married in a simple ceremony yesterday afternoon in front of family and friends. “She looked absolutely beautiful in a lace sheath cap-sleeve dress,” said Gordon, a roundworm who attended the ceremony held in a cyst within the HHS…
NEW YORK, New York — In a plot twist that even Jeffrey Epstein couldn’t have conspired to do, Ghislaine Maxwell, the British socialite turned convicted sex trafficker, has launched a desperate plea to the U.S. Supreme Court. Sentenced to 20 years in 2022 for her role in Epstein’s underage massage empire, Maxwell is now arguing…
LAS VEGAS, Nevada – Despite being 93 Legendary fight promoter Don King keeps on promoting away. The latest fight he is promoting he’s calling it the classic of all classics and oldie but two goldies. King claims the fight to end all fights will be Mike Tyson vs George Foreman. After all they are the…
TAMPA, FL — Wrestling legend, feathered mustache ambassador Hulk Hogan has officially tapped out for good. The 71-year-old icon, born Terry Gene Bollea, reportedly passed away after what doctors are calling “an extended, decades-long staredown with death, anabolic steroids, and tanning beds.” Hogan, whose career included body slamming Andre the Giant, hawking everything from grills…
