Politics

WASHINGTON, D.C. –  Despite mounting criticism over the government’s use of a messaging app typically favored by drug dealers, paranoid conspiracy theorists, and that one friend who won’t shut up about “government surveillance,” Trump administration insists Signal and other anonymous yellow ghost shaped apps are better suited for sending classified, highly sensitive information than Hillary…

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Attorney General Pam Bondi has announced the formation of a new division within the Justice Department that will focus entirely on long-lasting lawsuits. In the interest of government transparency, the new division will be called the Division of Lengthy Litigation (DOLL).  “We’re not skirting this important issue,” Bondi said. “We think that…

WASHINGTON D.C. – A data analyst in the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE)  panicked and smashed her government-issued computer this week after running internal efficiency metrics that identified her own department as the most wasteful in the federal government. According to coworkers, analyst Sahara Ray had been tasked with showcasing the effectiveness of DOGE’s new…

MANSFIELD, Connecticut – Alongside visions of civil unrest and political chaos, Peter Turchin, the scholar who predicted America’s breakdown, also foresaw himself donning a crown and ruling as king. “I was asleep and saw a land divided,” said Turchin, who mentioned for the first time that his predictions of growing political instability had originated from…

LONDON, England – In a surprising move, King Charles has unveiled a distinctive playlist of animal mating sounds, set to be featured in his upcoming Apple Music broadcast show. The monarch, who has long been an advocate for connecting with nature, stated, “These sounds connect me to the natural world in a profound way,” hinting…

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Fearing the Department of Education is making Americans less educated and illiterate, the Trump administration is dismantling it and rebranding it as Thoughts and Prayers to address the nation’s growing educational crisis. “I care about American education,” said Trump. “Tiny American kids, little boys and little girls, who can’t even read the…