WASHINGTON D.C.  – John Roberts, Chief Justice of the United States, has announced that going forward, the Supreme Court will announce its decisions on the social media network X.

Joining Roberts to make the announcement were Justices Samuel Alito, Neil Gorsuch, Brett Kavanaugh, and Clarence Thomas. Using the official Supreme Court handle @HighCourtMajorityRules, Roberts said that the Court was intending to join the world of social media in order to streamline its approach to publicizing its rulings. Roberts said that he had hired a team of advisers – all of them under 20 – to help teach the Justices how to use social media. Thomas, at 76 the oldest member of the high court, requested a team of 10 advisers to be dedicated solely to his social media education; Thomas also mused that he was looking forward to “learning more about that TikTok thing.”

Justice Amy Coney Barrett, one of the youngest members of the Court, issued a concurring opinion in which she said that she would abide by the majority’s ruling but wouldn’t need the help because she already knew how to use social media.

The Court’s three liberal justices all dissented from the Roberts decision. Writing for the minority at @HighCourtMajorityIsNeither, Justice Sonia Sotomayor said, “This is yet another way in which the Roberts Court is squandering the trust of the American people and handing over its agenda to the far right.” That message happened to fall within X’s 280-character limit; the Roberts announcement required four separate posts. Concurring with Sotomayor were Justices Ketanji Brown Jackson and Elena Kagan.

Outside the Supreme Court building, Elon Musk could be seen jumping up and down.