Politics

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Following a whirlwind courtship, RFK, Jr.’s brain worm, Lewis, and his girlfriend, Tanya, were married in a simple ceremony yesterday afternoon in front of family and friends. “She looked absolutely beautiful in a lace sheath cap-sleeve dress,” said Gordon, a roundworm who attended the ceremony held in a cyst within the HHS…

LOS ANGELES – X marks the spot, again. Elon Musk has bought the Los Angeles Times and has promised to rebrand it as the X Times and institute a character limit for all online stories. Musk, the billionaire famous for buying Twitter and renaming it X, joins another tech guru in the newspaper business: Amazon…

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Clausewitz’s On War and Sun Tzu’s The Art of War are among the hundreds of books that the Department of Defense has banned from its schools. According to a White House spokesperson, the books “have no place in American education.” Those were among the 596 books that the Defense Department ordered pulled…

NEW ORLEANS, Louisiana – Hoping to make new friends after moving to the city, area man Trevor Hanley attended an outdoor mixer Saturday where he learned the phrase “I hate this country” means very different things to different people. Hanley told reporters he had been standing in line about to buy a drink when he…

WASHINGTON – President Trump’s promise to conclude 90 trade deals in 90 days is still alive, the White House says, issuing a prime clarification. Karoline Leavitt, the president’s spokesperson, said that Trump never promised to do the 90 deals in 90 consecutive days. “These kinds of massive arrangements can take quite a few days and…

LOS ANGELES – Federal agents marching through MacArthur Park, the iconic Los Angeles greenspace and home to protests, did their part for the environment by picking up trash as they went.  The dozens of agents brought their own trash bags with them, and the supply seemed inexhaustible, according to one observer, certainly more than sufficient…

WASHINGTON, D.C. – White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt announced today at the White House that the promised Epstein files are no longer available for release since the files committed suicide. The files were on the Attorney General Pam Bondi’s desk when all of a sudden they caught on fire and became illegible. The FBI…