WASHINGTON, D.C. – While combing through files for more foreign individuals to deport, Secretary of State Marco Rubio found his own name on the State Department’s internal “Suspicious Heritage, Deport Soon” (SHDS) list.

Sources inside the agency say Rubio had been chuckling to himself as he personally reviewed case files and fast-tracked deportations for anyone who appeared ‘ethnic’ and had loud and proud opinions, when he stumbled across a file labeled “Rubio, Marco Antonio, suspiciously bilingual, born in Miami, grandfather re-entered without visa.”

Rubio immediately called his immigration enforcement team, insisting there must be a mistake. “I no Latino, I American,” he said, pacing his office. “Hate immigrants. Am citizen.”

He then clarified that even if he wasn’t American and was Latino, he was the kind that likes Trump.

A junior staffer explained that the algorithm Rubio helped implement uses a points system to flag individuals based on their parent’s birthplace, linguistic ability, and “un-American” sounding names. “It’s not personal,” she added, “It’s just policy. We do it every day, every time we find one of these lunatics, we mark them.”

“Am good Latino. Am white Latino!” Rubio screamed at the staff, accidentally switching to Spanish in the middle of his rage, which prompted the staffer to scribble on her clipboard and pull her phone to record the incident.At press time, the SHDS file had been updated to include a video attachment of Rubio speaking Spanish, with a handwritten note: “Monitor closely, speaks like he has cousins.”