WASHINGTON, D.C. –  Despite mounting criticism over the government’s use of a messaging app typically favored by drug dealers, paranoid conspiracy theorists, and that one friend who won’t shut up about “government surveillance,” Trump administration insists Signal and other anonymous yellow ghost shaped apps are better suited for sending classified, highly sensitive information than Hillary Clinton’s private email servers.

“We made a mistake. Let it go,” Trump said, touting the importance of forgiveness while simultaneously holding a seven-year grudge against Clinton. “If Hillary can delete 33,000 emails and walk free, I think we deserve a little grace here.”

Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth added, “The fact people want us to be held accountable for this blows my mind. Anyone who has had a top-secret clearance knows that one hiccup doesn’t cause a problem.”

In response to the controversy and desperate to regain the trust of Americans, the administration has decided to abandon Signal for what they’re calling “a military-grade secure alternative.”

“One thing this mistake has taught us is we need a platform where mistakes are close to nonexistent,” explained National Security Advisor Mike Waltz, while visibly downloading an app with a ghost icon. “We’re making a move to this app for all government communication. With disappearing messages and notifications of who screenshots what, it’s much more secure than Signal. No elected official or government in the world would ever guess that we use this anonymous app to discuss sensitive information. It’s a foolproof, unhackable plan because it’s too absurd for anyone to believe we’d actually do it.”