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Office Gossipmonger Enters Convenient Coma After Seeing Elon’s “What Did You Do Last Week” Email
World
Go Back!’ World Tells Americans Fleeing for Affordable Healthcare and Clean Water
Gen Z Against World War III But Will Participate If Done Remotely
CLIMAX, VA – Finding the concept of in person battle to be out of touch with modern day technological advancements, Gen Z has decided they will not be doing World War III even if drafted unless it’s fought remotely. “The boomer concept of war isn’t necessary anymore,” said ROTC dropout Henry, who had briefly considered…
Democrat Leaders Searching For Someone Who Can Do Something
WASHINGTON D.C. – With Biden’s memory issues having spread to the rest of the Democratic Party, Democratic leaders are at a complete loss as to who they are, what they support, and why they’re even here. In the face of Trump’s growing power and Elon Musk’s unchecked influence, they are now urgently searching for someone,…
Office Gossipmonger Enters Convenient Coma After Seeing Elon’s “What Did You Do Last Week” Email
WASHINGTON D.C. [theperineal.com] – Plunging federal workers into a state of frenzy, Elon Musk’s government-wide email demanding employees report their weekly accomplishments or get booted triggered a wave of severe medical episodes. Among the victims was local office gossip enthusiast Gina Malerk, who was always seen in the kitchen, perched on somebody’s desk, but rarely…
Trump Hit by Spitball During SOTU Address, Warren Commission Concludes it Was a Lone Spitter
WASHINGTON DC – Eagle-eyed viewers who watched Donald Trump’s recent State of the Union address noticed what looked to be a spitball land on the left sleeve of his suit jacket midway through his speech. Naturally, this sent shockwaves across the world. Who would attempt to hit the leader of the free world with a…
Andrew Cuomo Offers Freebies in Bid for NYC Mayoralty
NEW YORK, NY – Andrew Cuomo says he is ready to take a step up in the world and serve as mayor of New York City. The former New York Governor and U.S. Secretary of Housing and Urban Development said it would be “a great honor” to represent the people of New York in “a…
Chaos Reigns at Yellowstone Park as Interior Department Demands Bears Return to Office
YELLOWSTONE, Wyoming – In addition to finding massive amounts of waste and fraud within the federal government, DOGE also demands federal workers to return to the office full-time. Naturally, there is great resistance among many of the federal workers to do so. This has been a major topic for workers at Yellowstone Park, where representatives…
Wellness Influencer Becoming Conspiracy Theorist at Alarming Rate
LOS ANGELES, California – An LA-based wellness influencer recently shocked her friends by showing early signs of becoming a full-blown conspiracy theorist, despite the usual patterns. Morning Glory Jenkins, best-known for her instructional TikTok videos about how to brew kombucha, has been a wellness influencer for just under a year. Morning Glory (real name Madison)…
Kamala, Hillary Bonding Effort Leads to Holitistic Retreat Business Partnership
CHAPPAQUA, New York – Kamala Harris and Hillary Clinton have gone into business together, launching a partnership in the form of a holistic retreat in the Vermont countryside. The as yet unnamed retreat will feature all of the usual trappings, including a spa, swimming pool, pilates classes, cooking instruction, and group bonding activities. The two…
Vegan Woman Outed to Friends in Tagged Family Photo Chowing Down on Chicken Wings in Background
LOS ANGELES, CA – A scandal has rocked the vegan community after Aliyah Bennett, a long-time animal rights advocate and PETA employee, was caught devouring chicken wings at a family barbecue, completely lost in her own world. The photo, uploaded by her mother on Facebook, showed Aliyah happily chomping on a plate of wings, sending…
American Tourist Doesn’t Share Vacation Photos on Social Media, Stuns Family
ORLANDO, Florida – A Florida woman shocked her family by traveling to Italy – and not sharing any photos or videos on social media. Amberleigh Smith, 22, recently traveled with a friend to Florence, Italy, for three weeks. Despite the lengthy trip, Amberleigh and her friend, Sara, didn’t record a single TikTok or Instagram reel…
Sex Toys Users Celebrate The Federal Court’s Order That Halts Trump’s Tariffs
LAS VEGAS, NV – The US Federal Court knocked down Trump’s reciprocal tariffs to the delight of many. The stock market jumped 500 points with the ruling announcement and with some positive news from Nvidia earnings. The ruling will keep imported products, especially those from China, affordable to the American consumer. The sex toy industry…
Meta Execs Proud to Announce 200% Bonus, Couldn’t Have Done it Without Low Performers
MENLO PARK, CA — After years of hard work and dedication, it finally paid off: Meta executives were overjoyed, some even wiping away tears, as they proudly announced their 200% bonuses. In what was regarded as the most heartfelt speech to be given at Meta, the execs addressed the soon-to-be-laid-off employees, who, tragically, hadn’t caught on…
Nation Rushes to Book Spirit Airlines Flights, Somehow the Safest Option
SAN ANTONIO, TX – In a twist no one saw coming, not even Spirit itself, given that they sold off most of their airplanes last year, Americans are flocking to Spirit Airlines, not for its budget-friendly prices, but because it’s somehow become the one airline that might actually get you to your destination alive. Despite…
Local
29-Year-Old Man Shares Startling Image of Woman He’s Been Dating, 30-Year-Old Emily
NEW YORK, NY – Having spent the past few months championing the perks of dating an older woman, Chad finally unveiled the much-anticipated photo of his Golden Bachelorette, Emily. “He’s been raving about this cougar for months,” said coworker Ryan, stunned by the big reveal. “From the way he talked, I figured she’d be at least…
Lawyer Drops Cannibal Client After Learning He’s Never Been to Therapy, Calls It a ‘Major Red Flag’
HOMOSASSA, FL – Scrolling past the gory images of torn limbs, decapitated heads, and half-bitten thighs on her laptop, Defense Attorney Jamie simply couldn’t believe it when she came across the file detailing that her alleged cannibal client had never been to therapy before. “Shut up,” she gasped at the time of discovery, “I can’t…
