WASHINGTON, D.C. – In President Trump’s latest executive order, the Gulf of America will be renamed the Gulf of Charlie Kirk. “I take this action to enshrine a great, loving patriot who constantly warned us of the perils of immigrants flooding our nation and turning us into a colony,” wrote the president. “Plus, this will really own the libs in the bigliest way, which is what Charlie would have wanted most of all.”

This recognition of the late conservative activist Kirk is just one more posthumous honor, joining a Presidential Medal of Freedom and flags flown at half-mast across the nation. Other honors will follow in the weeks to come: a national Charlie Kirk Day for every Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday; a special award at the Kennedy Center Honors for his contributions to the arts; the Heisman Trophy; and a new chemical element named Kirkium. 

“Charlie Kirk’s life was devoted to freedom of speech, and everyone must come together and openly, repeatedly acknowledge him as the flawless humanitarian he so clearly was, or suffer the consequences.”