Washington, D.C. – Echoing his declaration yesterday that fentanyl constitutes a “weapon of mass destruction,” President Donald J. Trump has now targeted pizza as an equally insidious threat to American society, labeling it a covert agent to make the nation lazy and sedentary.
“Yesterday it was fentanyl, today it’s pizza—both sneaking in, destroying lives, and nobody’s doing anything about it,” Trump proclaimed to an enthusiastic audience in the Oval Office. He highlighted the surging costs of pizza, noting that what once was an affordable meal now demands premium prices amid inflation caused by the previous administration, with a basic cheese pie exceeding $30 in many cities. “It’s economic terrorism, and it needs to stop.”
Why the President Considers Pizza a Weapon of Mass Destruction
President Trump delved into the health ramifications, asserting that pizza’s high-calorie content fuels widespread obesity, eroding national vitality. “It’s making us sluggish, dependent— a slow-motion assault on our bodies,” he said. He further accused pizza of environmental sabotage, claiming the digestion process releases offensive gases that contribute to methane emissions, worsening climate woes. “These emissions are toxic, worse than any factory. It smells terrible!”. Some in the room supporting President Trump also brought up the heart burns often caused by the pie: “you can feel it in your throat.”
Delivery woes formed another pillar of his critique: pizzas frequently arrive late, cold, and re-arranged, with toppings redistributed unevenly like a “botched election map.” He railed against ordering pitfalls, including convoluted apps that crash mid-transaction and surprise surcharges that “steal your money before the food even shows up.”
Warning Label Considered
Industry leaders dismissed the claims as hyperbole, but Trump vowed investigations into “pizza cartels.” Analysts speculate this could spur new tariffs on imported ingredients or mandatory warning labels on boxes: “Addictive Product. May Cause Unstoppable Flatulence. ”
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