WASHINGTON, DC – War Secretary Pete Hegseth, after firing yet another round of top generals, has announced that he is replacing them with AI-powered holographic projections of deceased military leaders, specifically Ulysses S. Grant, Robert E. Lee, and John J. “Blackjack” Pershing.

“AI is the future of warfare,” Hegseth said in a memo sent to all current generals and a certain non-military reporter. “And yet we will learn so much more about achieving total victory by following the examples of these three brilliant military minds from America’s past success.”

The statements from Hegseth didn’t continue, but the information from the Department of War did, in the form of a memo of continuation. As the memo states, AI Lee and Grant will work together, building on their joint knowledge of tactics and terrain. As a sign of unity, AI Pershing will be in charge of upgrading “troop readiness protocols.” 

Hegseth’s Justification for AI

One leaked report from a whistleblower stated that in a private meeting, Hegseth and his subordinates were congratulating themselves on implementing this new strategy because “holograms can’t be captured by enemy forces and don’t require Senate confirmation.” The whistleblower also pointed to a line item in the new War Department budget that allocates billions of dollars for new AI-compatible projection screens in war rooms worldwide.

Another unnamed source reported overhearing a senior military official explaining the new world order to Pershing, who still insisted on the preeminence of cavalry on the battlefield.

The Department of War had no comments.

If that was not unusual enough, try this: