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June 03, 2026
The Perineal > News

News

‘Crypto Wiz Kid’ Floats New Stage in Business Cycle- 20250923 1949 Skate Park Pause simple compose 01k5wsw1phe2vvp7g4r7yzra6c
September 24, 2025
‘Crypto Wiz Kid’ Floats New Stage in Business Cycle
Economy
September 24, 2025

SAN JOSE, California – A well-known influencer is proposing adding a stage to the business cycle, to celebrate success. Erik Finman, known around the world as the “teen who made a fortune in crypto,” has floated the creation of the Optimization Intermission, an official element of the traditional four-stage business cycle that is a staple…

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UN Building Toilets Stop Working. Smell Fills UN Assembly Area- 20250923 1030 UN Hallway Water Leak simple compose 01k5vswvpcfjtrt55s6v4eepc1
September 23, 2025
UN Building Toilets Stop Working. Smell Fills UN Assembly Area
Politics
September 23, 2025

NEW YORK, New York – The UN building experienced several technical failures today as President Trump arrived to deliver his speech to the assembly. In addition to the escalators and teleprompters failing to function, the UN building’s toilets also experienced several issues that ultimately caused water containing feces to flow out of the bathrooms and…

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Roommates in Feud Over Broken Glass- 20250922 0030 Tense Kitchen Conversation simple compose 01k5r55ay7feqsvgasdepr5zf9
September 22, 2025
Roommates in Feud Over Broken Glass
Local
September 22, 2025

WOODSBORO, California – A local roommate remains adamant that they had nothing to do with the shattered glass in the kitchen sink, despite being the only other person in the apartment at the time and living in a two-bed, two-bath apartment. “I didn’t even go near the sink today,” she said, arms crossed. “Maybe it…

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Rover Finds Epstein Files On Mars. Elon Musk Promises To Retrieve Them- rover
September 22, 2025
Rover Finds Epstein Files On Mars. Elon Musk Promises To Retrieve Them
Comics
September 22, 2025
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Extremist Group in Israel Goes to the Streets of Jerusalem to Demand Accelerated Takeover of Palestinian Territories- Jerusalem protest
September 22, 2025
Extremist Group in Israel Goes to the Streets of Jerusalem to Demand Accelerated Takeover of Palestinian Territories
World
September 22, 2025

ISRAEL – A protester on the streets of Jerusalem yesterday discussed with The Perineal the desire to push the Israeli government to accelerate the takeover of Gaza and other Palestinian land. This is mainly due to the recent recognition of the Palestinian State by the UK and other governments. The concern is that Israel was…

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White House Introduces the Diamond Citizenship Card- 20250920 2010 Oval Office Diamond Card simple compose 01k5n3xz7feyxb88axbmcbadnx
September 21, 2025
White House Introduces the Diamond Citizenship Card
Comics
September 21, 2025
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Apple to Launch Next iPhone with Roman Numerals to Claim Worthwhile Improvements- IPHONE RICKY no text
September 20, 2025
Apple to Launch Next iPhone with Roman Numerals to Claim Worthwhile Improvements
Lifestyle
September 20, 2025

CUPERTINO, California – A leak from Apple Inc gave The Perineal insight into the yet to be officially announced new iPhone, the iPhone XVIII. Indeed, it will be the eighteenth iPhone, though Apple insists it will actually be the “first” phone to matter since the previous one. According to executives, writing the number in Roman…

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Government Panel to Approve All Comedians’ Material- COMEDIANS
September 19, 2025
Government Panel to Approve All Comedians’ Material
Entertainment
September 19, 2025

WASHINGTON, D.C. – BaDumpBump, a newly-appointed government panel, will review and approve all material written by comedians before they are allowed to perform it in public. “All future jokes, anecdotes, wordplay, satire, observations, gags, one-liners, and ad-libs must align with community standards,” said Benjamin “Chuckles” Stentson, Secretary of BaDumpBump. When asked how such standards will…

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ABC Announces Replacement for Jimmy Kimmel's Late Night Talk Show.- 20250918 1429 Trumps Dressing Room simple compose 01k5fbn0v8fxxrzc1xnma66x1z
September 18, 2025
ABC Announces Replacement for Jimmy Kimmel’s Late Night Talk Show.
Politics
September 18, 2025

Washington D.C. – The ABC Network claims that they started looking for a replacement for Jimmy Kimmel soon after he was suspended from his late-night talk show “Jimmy Kimmel Live!”. People close to the matter noted that the ABC parent company had input on the selection for the new host. It was to our staff’s…

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NBA Star Gets Mom’s Rules for Living- mamas boy
September 18, 2025
NBA Star Gets Mom’s Rules for Living
Sports
September 18, 2025

DALLAS, Texas – Cooper Flagg really has his work cut out for him if he’s going to follow his mother’s rules. The Dallas Mavericks rookie has promised to abide by the law laid down by his mother, Kelly, or face the consequences, including no home visits for a year. Flagg, a former national high school…

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Trump on the Green- Trump Golf
September 17, 2025
Trump on the Green
Comics
September 17, 2025
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Congress Passes Constitutional Amendment to Exclude Negative Comments Against Charlie Kirk from Free Speech Rights- Congress
September 17, 2025
Congress Passes Constitutional Amendment to Exclude Negative Comments Against Charlie Kirk from Free Speech Rights
Politics
September 17, 2025

Washington D.C. – Congress passed a bill late last night that amounts to a constitutional amendment, which will limit the protections of free speech to those speaking negatively against Charlie Kirk. Charlie Kirk was a conservative who spoke in colleges and other venues to debate and spread conservative values, until he was murdered last week…

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