WASHINGTON, D.C. – BaDumpBump, a newly-appointed government panel, will review and approve all material written by comedians before they are allowed to perform it in public. “All future jokes, anecdotes, wordplay, satire, observations, gags, one-liners, and ad-libs must align with community standards,” said Benjamin “Chuckles” Stentson, Secretary of BaDumpBump. When asked how such standards will be defined, Stentson pulled out a rubber chicken and repeatedly hit himself over the head with it.

Along with Stentson, some of the panel will consist of: longtime Wall Street financial analyst William P. Whitcoll; billionaire Trump donor Gregory Shatskim; accountant/election denier Marilyn Gursick; and right-wing social media influencer Ow! My Balls!, famous for vigorously defending tariffs while lighting his balls on fire. “Don’t think of this as abridging free speech,” said Gursick. “Think of it as a very, very powerful friend quietly threatening you if your speech crosses a line which only your very, very powerful friend knows and which can change at that friend’s whim. Kinda funny when you think about it, huh? Am I right, people? Hello? Is this thing on?”

Comedians who do not submit material will be sent to Mighty Chortles, a “reeducation comedy club” under construction in Florida. Says Billy DeWallase, a Mighty Chortles headliner, “It beats working at traffic school.”