In an unusual turn of events, President Donald Trump claims the late billionaire sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein didn’t actually exist. “People keep talking about Epstein, but frankly, I never heard of him,” said Trump during a press conference this morning in which he also blamed Joe Biden for causing the Chelyabinsk meteor to crash into Russia in 2013.  

Despite numerous photos and videos of Trump with Epstein, the President insisted he did not know him, explaining that he knows all the best people who ever lived and since he didn’t know Epstein, Epstein therefore could never have lived. “It’s all a nasty Democratic, deep state, socialist, Communist, MS-13, low I.Q. AI witch hoax created by Obama and George Lucas,” Trump added, before issuing an executive order to rename the Lincoln Memorial after Kevin Sorbo. 

Extreme Conservative raced to Trump’s defense, insisting that Epstein was created by a secret organization in the 1930s led by Joseph Kennedy, Sr., and George Clooney, who predicted that Trump would ascend to the Presidency in the 21st century. “Had Epstein existed, which he didn’t, Trump is the kind of person he would be drawn to, which he wasn’t,” explains Tim Reuver, host of the podcast George Lincoln Rockwell’s Pants. “But Jeffrey Epstein is just an elaborate myth, like Bigfoot and gravity.”

There are still some Republicans questioning Trump’s claim, like Congressperson Mike Cantilever (not his real name), who said very quietly while wearing a paper bag over his head, “At this point, I just don’t know. Please don’t primary me.”