Following President Trump’s dismissal of Commissioner of Labor Statistics Erika McEntarfer, future job numbers will now be determined by consulting a Magic 8 Ball. “The President has been using a custom made Magic 8 Ball to set tariff rates over the past six months,” said Commerce Secretary/Presidential Fluffer Howard Lutnick. “And that’s worked out pretty darned well to my assessment”.

Instead of politically-skewed, Biden-rigged data culled from employer payrolls, population demographics, and BLS reports, the Magic 8 Ball will provide a much more rigorous 20-answer algorithm with concrete analyses like ‘As I see it, yes’ and ‘You may rely on it’. 

Mattel/Parker Brothers economist Tony Edmunsap explains: “If I ask the Magic 8 Ball, ‘Were jobs for the previous month higher than 200,000?’ and it answers, ‘Yes, definitely,’ I can assume jobs were actually around one, or maybe two million. If I ask it, ‘Were jobs for the previous month higher than 200,000?’ and it answers, ‘My reply is no,’ I will simply shake it again as many times as necessary until I get ‘Without a doubt’ or ‘It is decidedly so.’” Adds Lutnick: “The Magic 8 Ball may also provide the actual number as an alternative.”

If the Magic 8 Ball fails to produce the desired results, the Trump administration will switch to results based on multiple wins at games of Twister.