ATCHINSON, Kansas – 45 people were killed suffocated in Kansas yesterday by large amounts of popcorn. The Millers were having their wedding in the backyard of their home when an unusual storm instantaneously lid up the corn fields behind their property. The corn in the field, which was ready for harvest, almost instantly converted into…
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Washington DC – During an unusual storm event yesterday, a large American flag placed by President Trump on the White House front lawn was blown off its foundation and crashed into the White House building. The flag caused significant damage to the White House, but fortunately, no one was injured in the incident. The president…
LOS ANGELES – X marks the spot, again. Elon Musk has bought the Los Angeles Times and has promised to rebrand it as the X Times and institute a character limit for all online stories. Musk, the billionaire famous for buying Twitter and renaming it X, joins another tech guru in the newspaper business: Amazon…
HOLLYWOOD, California – The cat is out of the bag, again. In the age of Internet spoilers, we now know the plot of yet another M. Night Shyamalan film. This time, the twist is that there isn’t one. The auteur, known for sometimes wrenching plot twists in movies like The Sixth Sense and The Lady…
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Clausewitz’s On War and Sun Tzu’s The Art of War are among the hundreds of books that the Department of Defense has banned from its schools. According to a White House spokesperson, the books “have no place in American education.” Those were among the 596 books that the Defense Department ordered pulled…
SPRINGFIELD, Virginia – President Trump has recently claimed to want to revoke Rosie O’Donnell’s American citizenship, claiming that she “is not in the best interest of our Great Country.” he further claims that she “is a Threat to Humanity, and should remain in the wonderful Country of Ireland”. Many suspect Trump will also go after…
BAKERSFIELD, California – Within minutes of opening its doors for a final clearance sale after filing for bankruptcy, long-struggling clothing store Now Aging sold out entirely, marking its most successful day in business just moments before permanently shutting down. “I’ve never seen a line that long since I started working here 3 years ago,” said…
PORTLAND, Maine – Saying he’s more or less mastered the basics of modern medicine, local man Silas Wyen, 40, told reporters this week that he hasn’t been to a doctor in 15 years because he’s practically a doctor himself. “Being a doctor is essentially diagnosing diseases. I diagnose diseases. I’m something of a doctor myself,”…
WASHINGTON – White House officials specified details of President Trump’s recent promise to provide more arms to Ukraine, stating that the delivery of weaponry would be in the form of Tommy guns. Trump authorized the dispatch, saying that factories in various Rust Belt cities would begin churning out thousands of modern equivalents of the famous…
NEW YORK – Organizers of an event celebrating the centenary of the publication of The Great Gatsby have revealed their headline guest: the author himself. One of the seminal depictions of the Jazz Age in America, Gatsby still stands to many as the pinnacle of the narrative imagination of F. Scott Fitzgerald, one of Long…
TENNESSEE – Research findings by the National Institute of Mothers Tired of Screaming Babies have confirmed that an infant throwing a full-body tantrum when denied access to a cell phone is actually a sign of normal, healthy development. New mothers across the country have reported rising cases of babies shrieking uncontrollably to the point of…
LONDON – In the wake of increasing numbers of hosepipe bans across an increasingly parched Britain, a South London brewery is calling for people to consume ale instead of water, as a means of conservation. “Drink ale, not water” is the title of a campaign by the brewery Ales of South London, as announced by…
