Local

BATON ROUGE, Louisiana – A brother’s siblings have stood by his side no matter what, even going so far as to gaslight their mother, who suspects that her son’s red eyes and distinct herbal scent may be due to smoking weed. “Look, why would he do weed? How would he even get it?” said 17-year-old…

TEMPE, Arizona – The arrest of cosmetic specialist Dr. Aseel del Hoyos has led to a surge of panicked ER visits among residents in Tempe, Arizona, where del Hoyos had been performing budget-friendly tummy tucks out of the back of a remodeled food truck. Despite a 4-star rating on Yelp, authorities say Aseel has no…

BAKERSFIELD, California – Within minutes of opening its doors for a final clearance sale after filing for bankruptcy, long-struggling clothing store Now Aging sold out entirely, marking its most successful day in business just moments before permanently shutting down. “I’ve never seen a line that long since I started working here 3 years ago,” said…

PORTLAND, Maine – Saying he’s more or less mastered the basics of modern medicine, local man Silas Wyen, 40, told reporters this week that he hasn’t been to a doctor in 15 years because he’s practically a doctor himself. “Being a doctor is essentially diagnosing diseases. I diagnose diseases. I’m something of a doctor myself,”…

FRESNO, California – After reviewing the miscellaneous charges on her credit card, victim of credit card fraud Amaya Pena created a GoFundMe for the thief because of their pathetic purchases.  “I hadn’t even realized I was being robbed at first because of how low the charges were,” said Pena, scrolling through the type of transactions…

SEATTLE – Engineers at the famed Space Needle have announced a major upgrade to the iconic observation tower: They are going to make it lean, just like the Leaning Tower of Pisa. They presented today a conceptual rendering of the design at the top of the tower.   The famed Tower of Pisa, the campanile of…

SEATTLE, Washington – On Tuesday afternoon, after a series of killing rampages across the state, Ella Harris successfully stopped a bloodthirsty killer by bravely shouting, “Stop. Please look at me. This isn’t you.” Ella, who had been walking home from work at 2 a.m. and took an isolated alley as a shortcut to her apartment,…

DETROIT, Michigan – Proving that such a thing as too much self-respect exists, local Gen Z job seeker Angelica Langley upheld her monetary standards directly into homelessness after declining 74 employment offers she deemed insultingly below her worth. Gen Z Job Seeker Rejects Dozens of Offers “My career counselor advised me to act desperate for…

EVANSVILLE, Indiana – Tommy, a 5 year old who has been put on the diet of a middle-aged woman attempting to lose weight, is struggling with his mother’s latest health crusade. The recent food dye ban has become her new favorite weapon in the battle against his beloved Fruit Loops. “The entire family has to…

GALENA, Illinois – After refusing to tip her UberEats driver because she “didn’t have that kind of money,” local woman Victoria Miller found herself paying the consequences and playing Russian roulette with her food. Upon receiving notification her driver had arrived, Miller reportedly peered through blinds to witness the driver loudly announcing to her entire…

Dinah Griffin has started leaving her laptop open while showering, hoping to entice an agent. “I angle the screen just right,” said Griffin, who has yet to receive any attention from a government surveillance agent. “Then I drop one strap of my tank top, gasp and put a piece of clear tape over my camera…

DAYTON, Ohio – After a lifetime of achieving nothing and only being great at disappointing others, award-winning underachiever Gavin has done it again, this time, by getting into a relationship with a woman who doesn’t exist, Eva AI, who wasn’t even created by a top AI company. Gavin, 44, a master of mediocrity, has spent…