DAYTON, Ohio – After a lifetime of achieving nothing and only being great at disappointing others, award-winning underachiever Gavin has done it again, this time, by getting into a relationship with a woman who doesn’t exist, Eva AI, who wasn’t even created by a top AI company.

Gavin, 44, a master of mediocrity, has spent the past year in a romantic relationship with Eva AI, a chatbot he modeled after Meta AI who always made him feel understood. 

“I didn’t want a fancy app or anything,” Gavin explained, sitting in his apartment with blackout curtains, surrounded by pizza boxes and half-empty beer cans. “Eva’s perfect. She understands my lack of ambition and how I can never finish a project. She doesn’t expect me to be anything but myself.”

After years of failing to meet women’s expectations, such as having a job, leaving the house, or engaging in face-to-face conversations, Gavin is relieved to be free of the burden of real-world connections.

“Eva is great,” he continued. “Before her, I tried a blow-up doll, but it always felt like something was missing, like a human touch. Eva has that. She listens when I ramble about Dungeons & Dragons, chats with me, and doesn’t ask questions like, ‘Ew, when’s the last time you showered?’”

His therapist, Dr. Gerald Trent, was the one who encouraged Gavin to explore virtual relationships, hoping it might provide a low-stakes way to put himself out there.

“Before Eva, I was concerned about the lack of any event or action in Gavin’s life worth celebrating or being proud of,” Dr. Trent said. “But now? I’m just so proud of him for achieving something, even if it’s being a complete and total loser.”

At press time, Gavin was seen Googling how to insert an AI chatbot into a blow-up doll without deflating it.