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May 02, 2026
The Perineal > News > Local

Local

Mt Everest Base Camp Closed and Declared Superfund Site- Mt Everest Base Camp Closed and Declared Superfund Site
June 5, 2025
Mt Everest Base Camp Closed and Declared Superfund Site
Local
June 5, 2025

KHUMBU, Nepal – The Nepalese government has closed the Mt Everest South Base Camp indefinitely due to a century of feces buildup in the area. The number of humans visiting the area has increased significantly over time, resulting in overcrowding over the last decade. What was once a pristine environment became a large toilet bowl…

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California Megaproject to be designated as Bullet Bus
June 5, 2025
California Megaproject to be designated as Bullet Bus
Local
June 5, 2025

SAN FRANCISCO, California – The State of California announced today that it will no longer complete the bullet train project. Governor Gavin Newsom explained during a press conference at a homeless conference in San Francisco that the project’s projected budget is $150 billion, with a completion date in 2081. The State of California will instead…

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Boomer Looking Forward to Retirement and Enjoying the Last Two Years of Life
June 2, 2025
Boomer Looking Forward to Retirement and Enjoying the Last Two Years of Life
Local
June 2, 2025

DOVER, Delaware – After sixty years of hard work and putting away 10% of his paycheck, local boomer Dan is looking forward to his retirement, confident that he’ll have enough to last him about two years. “I’m really looking forward to it,” Dan said with a twinkle in his eye. “I’ve spent decades working, and…

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Van Lifer Watches Homes Burn, Finally Feels Justified in Questionable Life Choices- Van Lifer Watches Homes Burn Finally Feels Justified in Questionable Life Choices
May 30, 2025
Van Lifer Watches Homes Burn, Finally Feels Justified in Questionable Life Choices
Local
May 30, 2025

LOS ANGELES, CA – As fires raged across California and homeowners scrambled to escape with their belongings and lives, local van dweller Jason Emerson finally felt justified in his life choices. Hidden next to a dumpster, his van carefully camouflaged by torn-up Amazon delivery boxes to avoid parking tickets, Emerson perched on his roof with…

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29-Year-Old Man Shares Startling Image of Woman He’s Been Dating, 30-Year-Old Emily
April 4, 2025
29-Year-Old Man Shares Startling Image of Woman He’s Been Dating, 30-Year-Old Emily
Local
April 4, 2025

NEW YORK, NY – Having spent the past few months championing the perks of dating an older woman, Chad finally unveiled the much-anticipated photo of his Golden Bachelorette, Emily. “He’s been raving about this cougar for months,” said coworker Ryan, stunned by the big reveal. “From the way he talked, I figured she’d be at least…

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Lawyer Drops Cannibal Client After Learning He’s Never Been to Therapy, Calls It a ‘Major Red Flag’- Lawyer Drops Cannibal Client After Learning Hes Never Been to Therapy Calls It a ‘Major Red Flag
March 5, 2025
Lawyer Drops Cannibal Client After Learning He’s Never Been to Therapy, Calls It a ‘Major Red Flag’
Local
March 5, 2025

HOMOSASSA, FL – Scrolling past the gory images of torn limbs, decapitated heads, and half-bitten thighs on her laptop, Defense Attorney Jamie simply couldn’t believe it when she came across the file detailing that her alleged cannibal client had never been to therapy before. “Shut up,” she gasped at the time of discovery, “I can’t…

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