PORTLAND, Maine – Saying he’s more or less mastered the basics of modern medicine, local man Silas Wyen, 40, told reporters this week that he hasn’t been to a doctor in 15 years because he’s practically a doctor himself.

“Being a doctor is essentially diagnosing diseases. I diagnose diseases. I’m something of a doctor myself,” said Wyen, who has not seen a licensed physician since aging out of his parents’ insurance plan at 25.

“What are doctors but people in white coats? If you have cancer, but no one is there to diagnose it and find out, do you actually have cancer? Or did you die from unknown causes? Think about it.”

Wyen explained that over the years, he’s managed most of his ailments with a combination of ibuprofen, WebMD articles, and ignoring them. “One time, my leg swelled up and went numb. I just elevated it and drank some water.

Boom, fixed. No $200 bill required,” he said. “You go to the doctor, find out you’re sick, then suddenly you’re paying copay, paying for meds, running around for treatments.

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For what? Google was made for people like us to not have to go to hospitals. Look it up. That was its original purpose before it started selling our data to insurance companies.”

As we left Wyen’s residence, he started experiencing symptoms of a heart attack, to which he calmly pulled out some VapoRub, rubbed it on his chest, and softly sang, “I don’t wanna know. If I’m boutta die, keep it on the low, cause my heart can’t take it anymore.”