WASHINGTON, D.C. – At a press conference this morning, HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. announced that dyslexia is caused by the moon’s gravitational pull. “The link between the moon and dyslexia couldn’t be clearer,” said Kennedy, while drinking from a glass of raw sewage. “More people now have been diagnosed with dyslexia than ever…
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CHICAGO, Illinois – McDonalds announced today the launch of a new signature hamburger as part of its creative marketing effort to increase declining sales and hamburger sizes. New McDonalds Pumpkin Burger Debuts for Fall Season The new hamburger, named McPumpkin, is being launched as a fall promotional item with three options to choose from: Cinnamon…
SAN FRANCISCO, California – It appears that a future software upgrade of Meta’s “smart” glasses will be full of features that will take users through varying levels of frustration. The company recently released its new Meta Ray-Ban Display glasses, complete with AI elements designed to compete with the world’s best. According to a well-known tech…
STARBASE, Texas – The US Military in collaboration with SpaceX have assembled the final team to crew Starships 11 and 12 destined to meteor 3I/ATLAS which is racing towards earth at supersonic speed. The meteor is an intergalactic body recently discovered entering our solar system from deep space and in collision course with Earth. As…
CHAPEL HILL, North Carolina – George and Emily Neylander, a married couple known for frequently and brazenly throwing stones, were killed by a giant meteor just a few yards outside of their glass house, which was completely undamaged. “I told them this kind of thing could happen, but they didn’t listen,” says Rhodes Bomars, a…
KANSAS CITY, Kansas —Local Man Bob Baxter, 67, is convinced that “If it doesn’t scan, it’s free” is state law, despite lawyer friends telling him it is not. “I will take this issue to the Supreme Court,” he announced at a recent family dinner. “I was willing to let it go when the ninety-nine-cent pack…
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In President Trump’s latest executive order, the Gulf of America will be renamed the Gulf of Charlie Kirk. “I take this action to enshrine a great, loving patriot who constantly warned us of the perils of immigrants flooding our nation and turning us into a colony,” wrote the president. “Plus, this will…
DEARBORN, Michigan – Art became life for the Ford Motor Company when one of their new prototypes vanished into thin air during a test drive. Officials were introducing the new Ford Tempo Flux, a sedan that runs on a super-secret technology known as a flux capacitator. The company says that the new car is supposed…
SAN JOSE, California – A well-known influencer is proposing adding a stage to the business cycle, to celebrate success. Erik Finman, known around the world as the “teen who made a fortune in crypto,” has floated the creation of the Optimization Intermission, an official element of the traditional four-stage business cycle that is a staple…
NEW YORK, New York – The UN building experienced several technical failures today as President Trump arrived to deliver his speech to the assembly. In addition to the escalators and teleprompters failing to function, the UN building’s toilets also experienced several issues that ultimately caused water containing feces to flow out of the bathrooms and…
WOODSBORO, California – A local roommate remains adamant that they had nothing to do with the shattered glass in the kitchen sink, despite being the only other person in the apartment at the time and living in a two-bed, two-bath apartment. “I didn’t even go near the sink today,” she said, arms crossed. “Maybe it…
ISRAEL – A protester on the streets of Jerusalem yesterday discussed with The Perineal the desire to push the Israeli government to accelerate the takeover of Gaza and other Palestinian land. This is mainly due to the recent recognition of the Palestinian State by the UK and other governments. The concern is that Israel was…
