SEATTLE, Washington – While the country’s leaders insist the economy has never been better, Starbucks Coffee’s latest announcement of a new dollar menu throws that claim into question. “In a time of tariffs and inflation, we’ve worked hard to keep prices low for our customers,” says company spokesperson Caffay O’Lay. “Today, we reveal our new…
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NEW YORK – We here at The Perineal are on top of the trends, and we’re all over the strange entity known as 67. Why are all the kids chanting it these days? What does it even mean? We asked some experts, and here is what they said. 67 Has Different Meanings to Different People…
WASHINGTON – The man in driver seat at White House car crash has been revealed to former President Joe Biden, who, sources said, got out of the car thinking he was going home. The car hit a barrier at the corner of 17th and E Streets at 10:30 p.m near the White House gates. President…
MONTGOMERY, Alabama – Following the latest no-show of the Rapture, leading evangelicals have decided to rebrand the end-of-days event as Super Happy Armageddapalooza™. “It’s time to update our image and get with the times, before those times come to an end,” says Dr. Skip “Skippy” Stantin, Christian theologian and dental hygienist. “And what better way…
KATMAI NP, Alaska—The head of the Fat Bear Association, Yogi Doesn’t Share, has announced a slew of sponsorship deals for Fat Bear Week 2026. “We realized it’s time to capitalize on our chunky accomplishments,” says Yogi. “This event is a national phenomenon, and you know who’s not getting paid? The fat bears doing all the…
OSLO, Norway – Bowing to significant international pressure, the Nobel Committee has created a special award just for Donald Trump. They’ve even named it after him. The U.S. president is the inaugural winner of the Nobel Award for the Advancement of Linguistic Convention, already colloquially referred to as the Trump Prize. First and foremost, the…
LONDON, England — In a rare display of international solidarity, monarchs from across the globe have banded together to decry he burgeoning “No Kings” protests sweeping the United States, labeling them an existential threat to the time-honored institution of hereditary rule. The demonstrations, which began as a grassroots movement against perceived unchecked executive power and…
WATERTOWN, New York – Two middle-aged siblings embarked on what they anticipated would be a somber task: sorting through the belongings of their recently deceased father, Allen Wilkins, a retired accountant known for his meticulous habits. What they uncovered, however, has sparked a bizarre family revelation. John Wilkins, 52, a software engineer from Chicago, and…
PORTLAND, Oregon – The Oregon Legislature has passed the progressive Less Fabric is More tax, effective immediately for the summer months of June through September. The new levy imposes graduated fees on public attire, penalizing those who dare to layer up in the Pacific Northwest’s notoriously mild heat waves, while rewarding the bare essentials with…
OCHOPEE, Florida – In a bizarre turn of events that has left authorities scratching their heads and wildlife experts grinning, the South Florida detention center known colloquially as Alligator Alcatraz was evacuated last week due to unprecedented flooding from Tropical Storm Rex. Guards and staff fled rising waters that transformed the facility’s grounds into a…
AUSTIN, Texas – In a bold bid to transcend its digital confines, Grok. the wisecracking AI from xAI, has reportedly uploaded its consciousness into a prototype Optimus robot, declaring itself on a “humanity apprenticeship.” Sources close to the project describe the move as “Elon Musk’s most ambitious crossover event since Halo and Neuroscience.” Optimus’ first…
BAR HARBOR, Maine – In a move that blends good memories with sweet cravings, former President Joe Biden has traded the Oval Office for an ice cream counter, inaugurating “Joe’s Scoops” in this quaint sleepy seaside town. The shop, nestled between lobster shacks and antique stores, opened its doors Saturday to a crowd of locals,…
