WASHINGTON, D.C. – Following the announcement of Maria Corina Machado as winner of this year’s Nobel Peace Prize, President Donald Trump is preparing to blow up Norway. “The NOBEL PRIZES ARE RIGGED!” he wrote in one of thirty-two posts on Truth Social, expressing his apparent dissatisfaction with the Nobel Committee’s selection. “Who the F–K is…
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BUCKINGHAM PALACE – King Charles III is reportedly “apoplectic” after discovering that Prince Andrew had developed an elaborate plan to monetize the recently revealed secret tunnel between St. James’s Palace and the Stafford Hotel. The tunnel hadn’t been used actively by the royal family in some time, although the late Queen Elizabeth II had been…
RIYADH, Saudi Arabia – A group of investors has agreed to pay $55 billion for Entertainment Arts Inc, makers of iconic video games like “The Sims” and “Madden NFL.” Among the new owners is Jared Kushner, son-in-law of U.S. President Donald Trump. The group who bought EA includes Kushner’s Affinity Partners, Silver Lake, and PIF,…
MONTEVIDEO, Uruguay – Researchers in Uruguay have found what appear to be super-intelligent sea life in a sunken warship. The crew of the remotely operated vehicle SuBastian found, alongside a submerged warship, 30 new species flourishing in cold-water coral reefs, and that was thrilling enough to oceanographers and marine biologists. But what really lit up…
ORLANDO, Florida – Disney World has released a new ad in which iconic rodent Mickey Mouse pleads with the public to stop calling him a plague rat. This follows the state of Florida’s announcement that it plans to repeal vaccine requirements in the state’s schools. “First, I’d like to point out that I’m a mouse,…
ALEXANDRIA, Virginia – In a move that blends entrepreneurial flair with personal branding, former President Donald J. Trump has filed a patent application for his iconic hairstyle, described in official documents as a “gravity-defying aerodynamic comb-over.” The filing, submitted to the United States Patent and Trademark Office (USPTO) last week, argues that the look represents…
WASHINGTON, DC – The Federal Communications Commission issued a statement today that it will soon require all TV stations to rate their shows when political content is part of the show. This new rating was prompted by numerous complaints from various audiences that TV shows labeled as comedy cartoons for children or documentaries often contain…
WASHINGTON, DC – War Secretary Pete Hegseth, after firing yet another round of top generals, has announced that he is replacing them with AI-powered holographic projections of deceased military leaders, specifically Ulysses S. Grant, Robert E. Lee, and John J. “Blackjack” Pershing. “AI is the future of warfare,” Hegseth said in a memo sent to…
WASHINGTON, DC – The Supreme Court announced today that the lower courts will be officially divided into two court systems, as the current lower courts already lean to the left or to the right, depending on the location and the judge’s ideology. With this new arrangement, it will be easier for lawyers to determine in…
KANSAS CITY, Missouri – Patrick Mahomes, Kansas City Chiefs’ Quarterback, announced today that he will play the trumpet as part of a band for his teammate Travis Kelce’s wedding. Travis recently proposed to Taylor Swift during a private ceremony at an undisclosed location. Travis Kelsey and Taylor Swift have been dating for quite some time…
NEW YORK, New York – A whistleblower has exposed surprising details about the new baseball umpiring system, and it turns out Money is at the center of everything. According to an unnamed source, whose identity is being protected for obvious reasons, Major League Baseball’s Automated Ball-Strike System (ABS) isn’t just a simple tech upgrade but…
PORTLAND, Oregon – The Perineal was able to acquire the latest images of the comet 3I/Atlas through special sources, taken from a previously undisclosed Japanese space telescope. Using sophisticated AI enhancements and other tools, we were able to enhance the image enough to understand that the comet is not a comet at all. The article’…
