WASHINGTON, D.C. – At a press conference this morning, HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. announced that dyslexia is caused by the moon’s gravitational pull. “The link between the moon and dyslexia couldn’t be clearer,” said Kennedy, while drinking from a glass of raw sewage. 

“More people now have been diagnosed with dyslexia than ever before,” explained Kennedy. “And the moon has been moving away from the Earth at a rate of almost four centimeters per year. This is caused by the man who lives inside the moon, who has been working in conjunction with telecommunication providers which have gradually caused our brains to rely on dangerous 5G technology. What more do I have to say? That’s just science.”

Newly-appointed members of the CDC recommend that in order to cure dyslexia, the moon must be destroyed, or people need to achieve an escape velocity of roughly 5400 miles per hour to escape its pull. “For those who can’t do this, or do not have access to expensive propulsion systems, try a regimen of intermittent fasting, cod liver oil, and ivermectin,” said Dr. Vincent LaBrou, while replacing the last senior CDC official with a clapping seal.

In the next few days, Kennedy will be expected to announce the link between multiple sclerosis and the consumption of Junior Mints.