KANSAS CITY, Kansas —Local Man Bob Baxter, 67, is convinced that “If it doesn’t scan, it’s free” is state law, despite lawyer friends telling him it is not. “I will take this issue to the Supreme Court,” he announced at a recent family dinner. “I was willing to let it go when the ninety-nine-cent pack of pencils didn’t scan, or even the six-dollar box of cereal. But when the hundred-dollar video game didn’t scan, and they still found a way to charge me for it, I knew I had to do something.”

“Consumers have rights, you know,” he said at a recent gathering where friends tried not to roll their eyes. “The law says if it doesn’t scan, it’s free, and stores have been taking advantage of us on that point for too long.” Baxter’s case was dismissed in a local court, so he plans to appeal to the state Supreme Court and, if necessary, to the US Supreme Court. Friends have told him that’s not how anything works, but he plans to press on regardless.

“Once I win my case and receive reimbursement for every item that didn’t scan, I plan to fight for my other consumer rights. Specifically, I’ve noticed that stores don’t always enforce the ‘customer is always right’ edict, even though I’ve told the cashier it’s in the Constitution.”

When asked to point out the specific statutes stating that items that don’t scan are free, Mr. Baxter is vague. “I don’t have to find a statute; it’s the law. Everyone knows it! The judge should know what book the statute is in.” Baxter’s wife, Ann Baxter, says she’s tried to explain how courtrooms work, but Mr. Baxter is sure he’s correct.

“As an American, I have certain inalienable rights,” he says. “One of them is the right to a free item if it doesn’t scan. Another is the right to a quick and speedy trial when my other rights have been infringed on. Finally, I have a right to be treated as if I’m always right, because as a customer, I am.”

Baxter admits he has not yet found an attorney to take his case, so he plans to represent himself.