LYON, France – Although he hadn’t been afraid of monsters in his closet since he was five, 15-year-old André Laurent has recently developed a deep fear that France’s First Lady, Brigitte Macron, is hiding in his closet. 

“My son used to sleep just fine and had met every developmental milestone,” said his mother Denise. “But ever since that video of Macron getting slapped surfaced, he’s been spiraling. Now he won’t go to bed unless I check the closet and assure him Brigitte isn’t in there. Even then, he uses a night light.” Denise, who André  used to call Mom or occasionally Denise, is now referred to exclusively as Mommy in a fearful whisper. “He says she’s mad, Mommy. She’s mad and she’s looking for a new one. She’s gonna get me. Don’t let her get me. I don’t want to be president of France.” 

André’s therapist believes the sudden regression stems from a subconscious fear that Brigitte, amid alleged marital tension with Emmanuel Macron, might be on the prowl again, and that André, with his blue eyes, dark chestnut hair, and budding interest in poetry, fits the exact profile. “His anxiety is fixated on the number 15,” said the therapist. “Not 14, not 16. 15. That’s the danger zone.” The therapist recommends patience and protective rituals until André’s 16th birthday, when, developmentally speaking, he will officially age out of the Brigitte bracket. 

At press time, André had blocked all French women over 60 on Instagram and was sleeping in a sleeping bag in his mother’s room.