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June 03, 2026
The Perineal > News

News

practically a doctor
July 17, 2025
Man Hasn’t Been to Doctor in 15 Years Because He’s Practically a Doctor Himself
Local
July 17, 2025

PORTLAND, Maine – Saying he’s more or less mastered the basics of modern medicine, local man Silas Wyen, 40, told reporters this week that he hasn’t been to a doctor in 15 years because he’s practically a doctor himself. “Being a doctor is essentially diagnosing diseases. I diagnose diseases. I’m something of a doctor myself,”…

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U.S. to Arm Ukrainian Fighters with Tommy Guns- trump tommy gun
July 15, 2025
U.S. to Arm Ukrainian Fighters with Tommy Guns
Politics
July 15, 2025

WASHINGTON – White House officials specified details of President Trump’s recent promise to provide more arms to Ukraine, stating that the delivery of weaponry would be in the form of Tommy guns. Trump authorized the dispatch, saying that factories in various Rust Belt cities would begin churning out thousands of modern equivalents of the famous…

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Fitzgerald Himself Doing the Toasting at Gatsby Event- Fritzgerald beach
July 15, 2025
Fitzgerald Himself Doing the Toasting at Gatsby Event
Lifestyle
July 15, 2025

NEW YORK – Organizers of an event celebrating the centenary of the publication of The Great Gatsby have revealed their headline guest: the author himself. One of the seminal depictions of the Jazz Age in America, Gatsby still stands to many as the pinnacle of the narrative imagination of F. Scott Fitzgerald, one of Long…

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baby Screaming for Phone
July 14, 2025
Infant Screaming for Cell Phone Is a Healthy Sign of Development
Entertainment
July 14, 2025

TENNESSEE – Research findings by the National Institute of Mothers Tired of Screaming Babies have confirmed that an infant throwing a full-body tantrum when denied access to a cell phone is actually a sign of normal, healthy development. New mothers across the country have reported rising cases of babies shrieking uncontrollably to the point of…

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Ale with Water
July 14, 2025
Brewer Urges Brits to Drink More Ale and Less Water
World
July 14, 2025

LONDON – In the wake of increasing numbers of hosepipe bans across an increasingly parched Britain, a South London brewery is calling for people to consume ale instead of water, as a means of conservation. “Drink ale, not water” is the title of a campaign by the brewery Ales of South London, as announced by…

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CNN Wins Emmy Award for Best Melodrama News Organization- cnn
July 12, 2025
CNN Wins Emmy Award for Best Melodrama News Organization
Lifestyle
July 12, 2025

LOS ANGELES, California – Cable news network (CNN) has been awarded the Emmy Award for best melodrama news organization. This prestigious award is given to news organizations that can leverage the drama of an ongoing news story in a way that amplifies the network’s agenda and perspectives. It is a prestigious award for journalists and…

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Area Man Realizes 'I Hate This Country' Means Very Different Things to Different People- Patriot American Flag
July 11, 2025
Area Man Realizes ‘I Hate This Country’ Means Very Different Things to Different People
Politics
July 11, 2025

NEW ORLEANS, Louisiana – Hoping to make new friends after moving to the city, area man Trevor Hanley attended an outdoor mixer Saturday where he learned the phrase “I hate this country” means very different things to different people. Hanley told reporters he had been standing in line about to buy a drink when he…

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Portuguese Call for NATO Name Change- NATO name change
July 11, 2025
Portuguese Call for NATO Name Change
World
July 11, 2025

LISBON, Portugal – Paulo Rangel has an idea for a name change, and he’s not afraid to voice it. Rangel, the Foreign Minister of Portugal, has put forward a proposal to rename NATO. Saying that his version rolls off the tongue easier in any language, Rangel has proposed that NATO become TONA.  In practice, the…

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Victim of Credit Card Theft Creates GoFundMe for Thief after Seeing Pathetic Purchases- dollar store arrest article 3
July 10, 2025
Victim of Credit Card Theft Creates GoFundMe for Thief after Seeing Pathetic Purchases
Local
July 10, 2025

FRESNO, California – After reviewing the miscellaneous charges on her credit card, victim of credit card fraud Amaya Pena created a GoFundMe for the thief because of their pathetic purchases.  “I hadn’t even realized I was being robbed at first because of how low the charges were,” said Pena, scrolling through the type of transactions…

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White House Claims 2 Trade Deals in 90 Days Is Not a Broken Promise- 90daystrade article 2
July 10, 2025
White House Claims 2 Trade Deals in 90 Days Is Not a Broken Promise
Politics
July 10, 2025

WASHINGTON – President Trump’s promise to conclude 90 trade deals in 90 days is still alive, the White House says, issuing a prime clarification. Karoline Leavitt, the president’s spokesperson, said that Trump never promised to do the 90 deals in 90 consecutive days. “These kinds of massive arrangements can take quite a few days and…

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Airport Security No Longer Requires Shoe Removal Due to Health Hazard Concerns- TSA Agent BN
July 10, 2025
Airport Security No Longer Requires Shoe Removal Due to Health Hazard Concerns
Lifestyle
July 10, 2025

SPRINGFIELD, Virginia – The Transportation Security Administration will no longer require passengers to remove their shoes when going through the security checkpoints at all national airports starting immediately. The reason for this change is related to a study performed by Harvard University, which has shown that shoes can carry a high level and quantity of…

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Breakfast Club Reunion Frolics at Top-dollar Lunch- 20250708 1540 Breakfast Club Reunion simple compose 01jzp31163e978x9myvzmszydw article 2
July 9, 2025
Breakfast Club Reunion Frolics at Top-dollar Lunch
Entertainment
July 9, 2025

CHICAGO – This time, even Emilio was there. The cast of the seminal teen movie The Breakfast Club had a reunion for the ages, enjoying a posh lunch and trading barbs at one another all over again. Emilio Estevez joined former cast members Anthony Michael Hall, Judd Nelson, Molly Ringwald, and Ally Sheedy for a…

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