PISGAH FOREST, North Carolina – 38-year-old Harvey Detletter, accused of using a chainsaw to bring down an American sycamore in a forest, swears the tree did not make a sound when it fell. “I went into the forest to see if the legend was true,” said Detletter as he was taken into custody. “And there was nothing. I was there and I heard nothing. Nothing! Not a peep.” Despite Detletter’s claims, local authorities cast doubt on his story, insisting the tree, realistically speaking, must have made a sound. “Mr. Detletter offers no proof of this supposedly silent tree,” said acoustical engineer Phillip D. Fernsell. “No recording, no video, no witnesses. Are we just supposed to take his word for it? How trustworthy is this person? Was he even listening to the tree?”

But Gillian Hillyam, Professor of Philosophy at the Philosophic Institute, commented, “What is sound, as it relates to how we perceive it? If a tree falls in the forest and someone claims to have heard it, how can anyone be sure that that person was in the woods to begin with? And if we were there and heard the tree and the person who heard the tree, who’s to say the sound the tree theoretically made came from us and not the tree?”

Tree whisperer Abigail Pomadance, who had been in contact with the sycamore before its untimely demise, reports that the tree left a will, stipulating its wood pulp must never ever be used to make the pages of paranormal teen books.