SHREVEPORT, Louisiana – As federal student loan collections resume, local Christian man Chester Small cannot be bothered by the notifications he keeps receiving or the threats to have portions of his paycheck withheld because he considers the student loans he took out as part of the sins Jesus forgave him for. “Jesus died for all of it,” said Chester, who owed more than 500,000 for his undergraduate education, “My selfishness, my doubt, my decision to take out a huge sum of money I knew I’d never be able to pay back, not even if I sold every organ in my body. It’s all been washed clean by the blood of Christ.”

Despite repeated emails, letters, and attempted phone calls from loan servicers, Chester has not made a single payment since 2019, around the same time he rekindled his relationship with Christ after his monthly payments increased to two thousand. Instead, he’s begun hosting weekly prayer circles focused on financial deliverance and breaking the chains of compound interest while swaying and singing I Surrender All.

“When I took out those loans, I didn’t know any better,” he continued. “With each payment reminder, the Lord revealed how gravely I had erred. I fasted 40 days and 40 nights. I cried out, forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I’ve done my penance and owe those debt collectors nothing. It doesn’t matter if the government forgives the loans because the Lord already has.”

At press time, Chester was seen sprinkling holy water upon his mailbox and laptop while whispering that no weapon formed against him shall prosper.