SEATTLE, Washington – While the country’s leaders insist the economy has never been better, Starbucks Coffee’s latest announcement of a new dollar menu throws that claim into question.
“In a time of tariffs and inflation, we’ve worked hard to keep prices low for our customers,” says company spokesperson Caffay O’Lay. “Today, we reveal our new dollar menu to make our delicious drinks more accessible for the dragging-themselves-to-work-in-a-soulless-cubicle crowd. Because if we lose middle-class managers, we’ll have to start selling coffee to the musicians who put up flyers on our billboards, and they don’t have any money.”
O’Lay explains that the dollar menu will include the following exciting items:
- Pumpkin Spice Latte Shots. Drive-through customers are invited to stick their heads out the car window for a single sip of Pumpkin Spice Latte sprayed directly into their mouths for one dollar.
- Pumpkin Spice Air. In-store customers will be charged fifty cents per breath once they step inside due to every store’s new Glade Pumpkin Spice air freshener.
- Breakfast menu. Customers who can’t afford a bacon and egg breakfast sandwich can now purchase a single stick of gum that was passed over the fryer where the sandwiches cook.
O’Lay adds that the chain will also save money on Muzak by charging customers to tune in to the Sad Coffee Shop channel on Spotify. As they can no longer afford pop-up guest DJs, Friday nights will be hosted by anyone caught rifling through their trash for uneaten muffins.
