World

LYON, France – Although he hadn’t been afraid of monsters in his closet since he was five, 15-year-old André Laurent has recently developed a deep fear that France’s First Lady, Brigitte Macron, is hiding in his closet.  “My son used to sleep just fine and had met every developmental milestone,” said his mother Denise. “But…

PANESKE, Nigeria – Bono, the lead singer of the popular band U2, traveled to Nigeria to provide support for children in need. He is famous for helping to promote various events that raise awareness about the conditions of people in many African communities, including malnutrition and poverty. For this event, he was distributing copies of…

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Secretary of State Marco Rubio has acknowledged what been widely whispered for weeks, that the State Department was consulting the ghost of former President Jimmy Carter on how to bring peace to the Middle East. “No one knows more how to bring people together than Jimmy Carter,” Rubio said. “I’ve been tasked…

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Serial entrepreneur Elon Musk has pledged to launch a mission to Mars by the end of next year and, further, to guarantee the mission’s success by going along himself. Musk, who has made headlines recently as the erstwhile head of the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE), is the owner of a handful…

WASHINGTON DC – Mrs. Roberta Metsola, the current president of the European Parliament, announced during a UN speech today that the European Parliament is expanding. The current seating of 720 parliamentarians in the organization is not enough capacity to host the increasing need for new EU functions, rules, policies, and laws. The new facility will…

CUPPERTINO, CA – Apple has made its phone less secure for the first time in history due to a demand from none other than the UK Prime Minister Keir Starmer. In an unusual request, the UK government demanded that Apple reduce its phone encryption so that the UK government can monitor and act upon any messages…

MOSCOW, Russia – U.S. President Donald Trump announced the end of the war between Russia and Ukraine, illustrating the terms of the agreement with a Sharpie pen. Going forward, the majority of Ukraine is now a part of Russia. “Mister Putin and I had a great conversation, such a great talk,” Trump said. “We came…

World – The rest of the world has had it up to here with the mass influx of Americans coming to their countries and refusing to leave, forcing several nations to introduce an American ban. The sweeping restrictions include canceling visas, bulldozing hostels, and creating a separate, more grueling customs process for anyone carrying a passport…