WASHINGTON DC – Mrs. Roberta Metsola, the current president of the European Parliament, announced during a UN speech today that the European Parliament is expanding. The current seating of 720 parliamentarians in the organization is not enough capacity to host the increasing need for new EU functions, rules, policies, and laws. The new facility will…
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BEVERLY HILLS, CA – The Federal Drug Administration (FDA) has issued a warning on the use of the latest and very popular weight loss drugs. There have been reports of these drugs causing a chain reaction in the bodies of specific patients and driving them to lose much more weight than recommended. Over the past…
LOS ANGELES, CA – As fires raged across California and homeowners scrambled to escape with their belongings and lives, local van dweller Jason Emerson finally felt justified in his life choices. Hidden next to a dumpster, his van carefully camouflaged by torn-up Amazon delivery boxes to avoid parking tickets, Emerson perched on his roof with…
CLIMAX, VA – Finding the concept of in person battle to be out of touch with modern day technological advancements, Gen Z has decided they will not be doing World War III even if drafted unless it’s fought remotely. “The boomer concept of war isn’t necessary anymore,” said ROTC dropout Henry, who had briefly considered…
LAS VEGAS, NV – The US Federal Court knocked down Trump’s reciprocal tariffs to the delight of many. The stock market jumped 500 points with the ruling announcement and with some positive news from Nvidia earnings. The ruling will keep imported products, especially those from China, affordable to the American consumer. The sex toy industry…
WASHINGTON D.C. – With Biden’s memory issues having spread to the rest of the Democratic Party, Democratic leaders are at a complete loss as to who they are, what they support, and why they’re even here. In the face of Trump’s growing power and Elon Musk’s unchecked influence, they are now urgently searching for someone,…
WASHINGTON D.C. [theperineal.com] – Plunging federal workers into a state of frenzy, Elon Musk’s government-wide email demanding employees report their weekly accomplishments or get booted triggered a wave of severe medical episodes. Among the victims was local office gossip enthusiast Gina Malerk, who was always seen in the kitchen, perched on somebody’s desk, but rarely…
LOS ANGELES, California – An LA-based wellness influencer recently shocked her friends by showing early signs of becoming a full-blown conspiracy theorist, despite the usual patterns. Morning Glory Jenkins, best-known for her instructional TikTok videos about how to brew kombucha, has been a wellness influencer for just under a year. Morning Glory (real name Madison)…
Elon Musk and DOGE continue to search for waste, fraud and abuse within the federal government. Yet, some vital programs are also being cut, including USAID funding to provide diapers for incontinent tadpoles in Bolivia. Known as “tad pads” within the USAID building, these diapers are said to improve the self-esteem of the little Bolivian…
MENLO PARK, CA — After years of hard work and dedication, it finally paid off: Meta executives were overjoyed, some even wiping away tears, as they proudly announced their 200% bonuses. In what was regarded as the most heartfelt speech to be given at Meta, the execs addressed the soon-to-be-laid-off employees, who, tragically, hadn’t caught on…
NEW YORK, NY – Having spent the past few months championing the perks of dating an older woman, Chad finally unveiled the much-anticipated photo of his Golden Bachelorette, Emily. “He’s been raving about this cougar for months,” said coworker Ryan, stunned by the big reveal. “From the way he talked, I figured she’d be at least…
ORLANDO, FL – Disney Plus has announced it is planning to produce a Live Action Muppets movie entitled, “The Muppets Take Hollywood! With real live muppets. In this totally original idea (because we are using actors as muppets not puppets) Kermit, Fonsie Bear and Gonzo head to Hollywood to revive their careers with a reality…
