TORONTO, Canada – Superstar Vladimir Guerrero, Jr. has agreed to a contract extension with his current team, the Toronto Blue Jays, for a team-record-setting $674 million. Per the terms of the agreement, a large part of that money will be deferred and eventually paid into a bank account that he has set aside for his descendants….
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CUPPERTINO, CA – Apple has made its phone less secure for the first time in history due to a demand from none other than the UK Prime Minister Keir Starmer. In an unusual request, the UK government demanded that Apple reduce its phone encryption so that the UK government can monitor and act upon any messages…
MOSCOW, Russia – U.S. President Donald Trump announced the end of the war between Russia and Ukraine, illustrating the terms of the agreement with a Sharpie pen. Going forward, the majority of Ukraine is now a part of Russia. “Mister Putin and I had a great conversation, such a great talk,” Trump said. “We came…
Hollywood, California – At long last, a new actor has been named to play James Bond. It is Tom Cruise, and the name of the new film is Undercover Revelations. The announcement came in a joint statement from Danjaq LLC and Metro-Goldwyn Mayer, which jointly own the rights to the iconic spy franchise. Cruise, star…
CHAPPAQUA, New York – Kamala Harris and Hillary Clinton have gone into business together, launching a partnership in the form of a holistic retreat in the Vermont countryside. The as yet unnamed retreat will feature all of the usual trappings, including a spa, swimming pool, pilates classes, cooking instruction, and group bonding activities. The two…
Although spring training for Major League Baseball has just begun, the Chicago White Sox have already been officially eliminated from the 2025 American League playoff race. While spring training is a time of hope and renewal for teams looking ahead to the start of the regular season, there is little hope for the White Sox,…
KENSIGNTON, Philadelphia — Citing the miraculous weight-loss effects of shooting up Ozempic, former drug addict Kelly Osbourne has declared it a revolutionary breakthrough. Having dabbled in Percocet, Vicodin, and heroin in her younger years, up to the age of 39, Osbourne insists that her “primary addiction” had always been food. “Drugs have always made me feel…
LOS ANGELES, CA – A scandal has rocked the vegan community after Aliyah Bennett, a long-time animal rights advocate and PETA employee, was caught devouring chicken wings at a family barbecue, completely lost in her own world. The photo, uploaded by her mother on Facebook, showed Aliyah happily chomping on a plate of wings, sending…
WASHINGTON DC – Eagle-eyed viewers who watched Donald Trump’s recent State of the Union address noticed what looked to be a spitball land on the left sleeve of his suit jacket midway through his speech. Naturally, this sent shockwaves across the world. Who would attempt to hit the leader of the free world with a…
NEW YORK, NY – Andrew Cuomo says he is ready to take a step up in the world and serve as mayor of New York City. The former New York Governor and U.S. Secretary of Housing and Urban Development said it would be “a great honor” to represent the people of New York in “a…
YELLOWSTONE, Wyoming – In addition to finding massive amounts of waste and fraud within the federal government, DOGE also demands federal workers to return to the office full-time. Naturally, there is great resistance among many of the federal workers to do so. This has been a major topic for workers at Yellowstone Park, where representatives…
In a diplomatic meltdown that aides are calling “both regrettable and deeply avoidable,” White House staff were forced to separate President Donald Trump and Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy after a heated dispute over Zelenskyy’s refusal to share his shiny rocks ended in tears. According to sources, tensions flared the moment Zelenskyy pulled up in his…
