MENLO PARK, CA — After years of hard work and dedication, it finally paid off: Meta executives were overjoyed, some even wiping away tears, as they proudly announced their 200% bonuses.

In what was regarded as the most heartfelt speech to be given at Meta, the execs addressed the soon-to-be-laid-off employees, who, tragically, hadn’t caught on yet. “As we close another year, we want to thank each and every one of you for your unwavering commitment to making us richer. This company wouldn’t be what it is today without your efforts and remarkable ability to exceed expectations of how desperate someone can be to sell their soul to Meta for less than $1 million.” The executives reportedly chortled at the notion, later found to be earning at least $23 million each with over $1 million in salary and $21 million in equity.

“We are thrilled to announce a 200% increase in executive bonuses, a true testament to your sacrifice,” according to sources; they heralded the staff’s dedication to the company as invaluable despite being low performers and, in return, offered them a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to get their souls back. “With the recent bonus increase, we had to make some devastating budget cuts. You’re all fired. Effective immediately.” In perfect synchronization, the leadership team pulled out onions, holding them to their eyes in a theatrical effort to summon tears, proof, they hoped, of their humanity, momentarily distracting from the horns sprouting from their heads, “To the remaining employees, let’s keep pushing forward with the same spirit so that next year we can hit a new record of 300%.”

At press time, executives were seen dodging airborne office supplies, crosses, and talk of potential lawsuits.