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June 03, 2026
The Perineal > News

News

Elon Musk’s Neuralink to Share New Capabilities
June 3, 2025
Elon Musk’s Neuralink to Share New Capabilities
Science
June 3, 2025

FREMONT, CA – Neuralink posted today on the X platform that the company will share with the world a public demo of their progress (https://x.com/neuralink/status/1929605979672334645). It has been known for some time that the company, owned by Elon Musk, has developed incredible breakthrough technologies that can change the world and bring significant relief to patients…

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Woman Disappointed to Learn Stock Market Crash Doesn’t Mean Discounted Chicken Broth- Woman Disappointed to Learn Stock Market Crash Doesnt Mean Discounted Chicken Broth
June 2, 2025
Woman Disappointed to Learn Stock Market Crash Doesn’t Mean Discounted Chicken Broth
Economy
June 2, 2025

WACO, Texas – Local woman Callie Jo Johnson made a beeline for Aldi this morning, clutching a $20 bill, a wad of coupons, and the perception that a “stock market crash” meant food was going on sale. “I heard on the radio that the stock market done crashed,” Callie Jo said, steering her cart down…

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White Lotus Viewer Concerned About Potential Incest on Upcoming Family Vacation- White Lotus Viewer Concerned About Potential Incest on Upcoming Family Vacation
June 2, 2025
White Lotus Viewer Concerned About Potential Incest on Upcoming Family Vacation
Entertainment
June 2, 2025

DETROIT, Michigan – Loyal viewers of the hit series White Lotus have gone through identity crises since Season 3 aired, especially local man Nick, who was hit the hardest after binge-watching the show’s latest season and is now concerned about incestuous acts taking place during his upcoming family vacation. Initially planning to relax, hit the…

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UK to Build 12 New Nuclear Attack Submarines- UK to Build 12 New Nuclear Attack Submarines
June 2, 2025
UK to Build 12 New Nuclear Attack Submarines
World
June 2, 2025

LONDON, UK – The UK has announced that the Royal Navy Submarine Service will be adding 12 new nuclear submarines to its fleet. The announcement comes as Keir Starmer sees a greater threat facing the UK, and the UK’s commitment to increase its defense budget as required by NATO. The new submarines will start to…

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Boomer Looking Forward to Retirement and Enjoying the Last Two Years of Life
June 2, 2025
Boomer Looking Forward to Retirement and Enjoying the Last Two Years of Life
Local
June 2, 2025

DOVER, Delaware – After sixty years of hard work and putting away 10% of his paycheck, local boomer Dan is looking forward to his retirement, confident that he’ll have enough to last him about two years. “I’m really looking forward to it,” Dan said with a twinkle in his eye. “I’ve spent decades working, and…

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EU Announces Parliament Expansion to House 3000 Representatives- EU Announces Parliament Expansion to House 3000 Representatives
May 30, 2025
EU Announces Parliament Expansion to House 3000 Representatives
World
May 30, 2025

WASHINGTON DC – Mrs. Roberta Metsola, the current president of the European Parliament, announced during a UN speech today that the European Parliament is expanding. The current seating of 720 parliamentarians in the organization is not enough capacity to host the increasing need for new EU functions, rules, policies, and laws. The new facility will…

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Weight Loss Drugs Chain Reactions Are Increasing- Weight Loss Drugs Chain Reactions Are Increasing
May 30, 2025
Weight Loss Drugs Chain Reactions Are Increasing
Science
May 30, 2025

BEVERLY HILLS, CA – The Federal Drug Administration (FDA) has issued a warning on the use of the latest and very popular weight loss drugs. There have been reports of these drugs causing a chain reaction in the bodies of specific patients and driving them to lose much more weight than recommended. Over the past…

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Van Lifer Watches Homes Burn, Finally Feels Justified in Questionable Life Choices- Van Lifer Watches Homes Burn Finally Feels Justified in Questionable Life Choices
May 30, 2025
Van Lifer Watches Homes Burn, Finally Feels Justified in Questionable Life Choices
Local
May 30, 2025

LOS ANGELES, CA – As fires raged across California and homeowners scrambled to escape with their belongings and lives, local van dweller Jason Emerson finally felt justified in his life choices. Hidden next to a dumpster, his van carefully camouflaged by torn-up Amazon delivery boxes to avoid parking tickets, Emerson perched on his roof with…

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Gen Z Against World War III But Will Participate If Done Remotely
May 29, 2025
Gen Z Against World War III But Will Participate If Done Remotely
Politics
May 29, 2025

CLIMAX, VA – Finding the concept of in person battle to be out of touch with modern day technological advancements, Gen Z has decided they will not be doing World War III even if drafted unless it’s fought remotely.  “The boomer concept of war isn’t necessary anymore,” said ROTC dropout Henry, who had briefly considered…

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Sex Toys Users Celebrate The Federal Court’s Order That Halts Trump’s Tariffs- Sex Toys Users Celebrate The Federal Courts Order That Halts Trumps Tariffs
May 29, 2025
Sex Toys Users Celebrate The Federal Court’s Order That Halts Trump’s Tariffs
Breaking
May 29, 2025

LAS VEGAS, NV – The US Federal Court knocked down Trump’s reciprocal tariffs to the delight of many. The stock market jumped 500 points with the ruling announcement and with some positive news from Nvidia earnings.  The ruling will keep imported products, especially those from China, affordable to the American consumer. The sex toy industry…

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Democrat Leaders Searching For Someone Who Can Do Something
May 29, 2025
Democrat Leaders Searching For Someone Who Can Do Something
Politics
May 29, 2025

WASHINGTON D.C. – With Biden’s memory issues having spread to the rest of the Democratic Party, Democratic leaders are at a complete loss as to who they are, what they support, and why they’re even here. In the face of Trump’s growing power and Elon Musk’s unchecked influence, they are now urgently searching for someone,…

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Office Gossipmonger Enters Convenient Coma After Seeing Elon’s “What Did You Do Last Week” Email- Office Gossipmonger Enters Convenient Coma After Seeing Elons
April 16, 2025
Office Gossipmonger Enters Convenient Coma After Seeing Elon’s “What Did You Do Last Week” Email
Politics
April 16, 2025

WASHINGTON D.C. [theperineal.com] – Plunging federal workers into a state of frenzy, Elon Musk’s government-wide email demanding employees report their weekly accomplishments or get booted triggered a wave of severe medical episodes. Among the victims was local office gossip enthusiast Gina Malerk, who was always seen in the kitchen, perched on somebody’s desk, but rarely…

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