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June 03, 2026
The Perineal > News

News

King Charles Curates Playlist of Animal Mating Sounds for Apple
June 9, 2025
King Charles Curates Playlist of Animal Mating Sounds for Apple
Politics
June 9, 2025

LONDON, England – In a surprising move, King Charles has unveiled a distinctive playlist of animal mating sounds, set to be featured in his upcoming Apple Music broadcast show. The monarch, who has long been an advocate for connecting with nature, stated, “These sounds connect me to the natural world in a profound way,” hinting…

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New Virus Detected Affecting Mostly Politicians- New Virus Detected Affecting Mostly Politicians
June 9, 2025
New Virus Detected Affecting Mostly Politicians
Science
June 9, 2025

WASHINGTON DC – The CDC published today the discovery of a new coronavirus that affects mostly politicians. The findings, published earlier this morning, have caused politicians to exhibit subtle changes in behavior over time, including a lack of empathy and moral values. The virus is believed to have gone undetected for many years, primarily because…

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New Beatles Tracks to Again Feature AI- New Beatles Tracks to Again Feature AI
June 9, 2025
New Beatles Tracks to Again Feature AI
Entertainment
June 9, 2025

LONDON, England – Paul McCartney has announced that he will be working on new Beatles tracks using artificial intelligence. In the wake of the group’s recent hit “Now and Then,” which began as a demo that John Lennon never finished, McCartney said that he would use the same sort of digital engineering to make new…

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LinkedIn “Disruptor” Bro With Viral Posts Actually Unemployed, Friends Claim
June 5, 2025
LinkedIn “Disruptor” Bro With Viral Posts Actually Unemployed, Friends Claim
Lifestyle
June 5, 2025

SAN JOSE, California – Chad “The Disruptor” Jones, known for his inspirational “bro-etry” on LinkedIn, has actually been unemployed for four years and lives in the basement of his parents’ house. Chad posts on LinkedIn several times a day, claiming he’s a CEO, bragging about his success, and urging his many followers to buy his…

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Mt Everest Base Camp Closed and Declared Superfund Site- Mt Everest Base Camp Closed and Declared Superfund Site
June 5, 2025
Mt Everest Base Camp Closed and Declared Superfund Site
Local
June 5, 2025

KHUMBU, Nepal – The Nepalese government has closed the Mt Everest South Base Camp indefinitely due to a century of feces buildup in the area. The number of humans visiting the area has increased significantly over time, resulting in overcrowding over the last decade. What was once a pristine environment became a large toilet bowl…

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California Megaproject to be designated as Bullet Bus
June 5, 2025
California Megaproject to be designated as Bullet Bus
Local
June 5, 2025

SAN FRANCISCO, California – The State of California announced today that it will no longer complete the bullet train project. Governor Gavin Newsom explained during a press conference at a homeless conference in San Francisco that the project’s projected budget is $150 billion, with a completion date in 2081. The State of California will instead…

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Department Education Rebrands as Thoughts and Prayers to Address Nation’s Educational Crisis
June 4, 2025
Department Education Rebrands as Thoughts and Prayers to Address Nation’s Educational Crisis
Politics
June 4, 2025

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Fearing the Department of Education is making Americans less educated and illiterate, the Trump administration is dismantling it and rebranding it as Thoughts and Prayers to address the nation’s growing educational crisis. “I care about American education,” said Trump. “Tiny American kids, little boys and little girls, who can’t even read the…

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Rubio Confirms Consulting Ghost of Carter to Bring Mideast Peace- Rubio Confirms Consulting Ghost of Carter to Bring Mideast Peace
June 4, 2025
Rubio Confirms Consulting Ghost of Carter to Bring Mideast Peace
World
June 4, 2025

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Secretary of State Marco Rubio has acknowledged what been widely whispered for weeks, that the State Department was consulting the ghost of former President Jimmy Carter on how to bring peace to the Middle East. “No one knows more how to bring people together than Jimmy Carter,” Rubio said. “I’ve been tasked…

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Musk to Guarantee Mars Mission Success by Going Himself- Musk to Guarantee Mars Mission Success by Going Himself
June 4, 2025
Musk to Guarantee Mars Mission Success by Going Himself
World
June 4, 2025

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Serial entrepreneur Elon Musk has pledged to launch a mission to Mars by the end of next year and, further, to guarantee the mission’s success by going along himself. Musk, who has made headlines recently as the erstwhile head of the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE), is the owner of a handful…

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Luigi Mangione Promises He’ll Do Better If Pardoned
June 3, 2025
Luigi Mangione Promises to Pivot to Sexual Assault Crimes If Pardoned
Entertainment
June 3, 2025

NEW YORK, New York – After watching Diddy edge closer to a Trump pardon despite being labeled a child diddler, Mangione promises to turn over a new leaf and only commit sexual assault crimes if pardoned by President Trump. “I shouldn’t have gone after billionaires,” said Mangione who has been charged with 11 crimes for…

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Research Finds Those Who Constantly Nod Head to Show They Are Listening Don’t Hear A Single Thing- Research Finds Those Who Constantly Nod Head to Show They Are Listening Dont Hear A Single Thing
June 3, 2025
Research Finds Those Who Constantly Nod Head to Show They Are Listening Don’t Hear A Single Thing
Science
June 3, 2025

While pandemic-era Zoom culture drew attention to individuals who joined meetings just long enough to say here before disappearing into the void, researchers believe a more ancient and insidious group used that moment to blend in, people who nod constantly to appear engaged but have not heard a single thing. “Contrary to popular belief, this…

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Democrat Mistakes Elon Musk For Self Driving Tesla and Punches Him
June 3, 2025
Democrat Mistakes Elon Musk For Self Driving Tesla and Punches Him
Politics
June 3, 2025

BOCA CHICA, Texas – Thinking that Elon was another Tesla moving on its own, a Democrat wanting to join in on the Tesla attacks, threw a punch out and caught Elon in the eye.  “I saw him moving in that stilted yet smooth manner and just assumed he was the newest Tesla model,” said Martin…

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