WASHINGTON, D.C. – Harvey P. Heckaloo has been appointed the country’s first Distraction Czar, in an effort to better coordinate President Trump’s hourly social media posts, conspiracy theories, lies, and White House rooftop brain farts. “It’s a great honor to be part of this administration,” Heckaloo said this morning, just before announcing the president had fired Supreme Court Justices Sotomayor, Kagan, and Jackson. 

The new Czar’s responsibilities will include developing short-term and long-term strategies for distracting the American people, utilizing a variety of chimpanzees to randomly throw shit at them. “We don’t look at distractions as being bad,” said Linda Fepp, head of the Bright, Shiny Objects Bureau, “For instance, when discussing the unimaginable pitfalls of the Big, Beautiful Bill, it’s—look out behind you! Obama and Taylor Swift are digging up the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier! Arrest them! Sorry…what were we talking about?”

Heckaloo revealed a number of promising future distractions, including plans to invade Trinidad and Tobago; the House Oversight Committee issuing subpoenas to Jeffery Goldberg, the ghost of Jimmy Carter, and Hunter Biden’s cat; and destroying the Lincoln Memorial and replacing it with nothing. “The sky’s the limit,” said Heckaloo. “Plus, when it comes to the Epstein files—say, is that George Soros burning an American flag?”

Immediately following the press conference, Heckaloo was replaced by Wendy Ubermal, the country’s first Obfuscation Czar. When asked what happened to the Distraction Czar, Ubermal said, “Distraction Czar? My shoes are tight,” and then ran around in circles yelling, “Immigrants! Immigrants! Caravan!”