WASHINGTON D.C. – The federal government will create a new high-level department to counteract an attempt by an Australia state to throw the world plastic fish market into turmoil. A White House report gave some preliminary details on the Department of Condiment Security, to be headed up by former NYC mayor and Trump advisor Rudy Giuliani. The decision of South Australia to ban the one-time-use plastic packets of soy sauce, a staple of sushi restaurants the world over, has put them in the spotlight. The vast majority of the small polyethylene bottles are manufactured in Japan, where they were invented in 1954. U.S. officials see an opportunity to cut into Japan’s market share.

“Japan has held this leading role for too long,” Giuliani said, holding up a tiny plastic fish stamped with an oversize MADE IN THE USA sticker on it. “Just as I dismantled organized crime, I will bring this market racketeering to bear and make a lot of American investors a lot of money in the process,” Giuliani said. Among Giuliani’s first tasks is to oversee the construction and rapid deployment of a plant on U.S. soil to manufacture plastic fish full of soy sauce. The current front-runners are somewhere deep in Pennsylvania and a secret coastal location in the Pacific Northwest.

U.S. Trade Representative Jamieson Greer said it was way too early to be talking about a “tiny fish tariff” but that if push came to shove, the U.S. would launch Operation Plastic Fish Defense and impose a suitable levy on imports of the soy sauce fish bottles from Japan.

A leaked White House memo detailed further operations of the new government department, including a Bureau of Great American Hot Dogs, with special adviser Kid Rock, and a Ketchup Innovation Laboratory, which the leaked memo said, already has a secret government grant to develop “quantum ketchup,” which is both thick and comes easily out of the bottle.