WASHINGTON D.C — Our informants within the White House told The Perineal that President Trump will make a significant announcement today related to his health. This does not come as a huge surprise to our staff, considering his age of 79. What is more important is that President Trump will announce the move of the White House from Washington DC to Palm Beach, Florida. Our source says that the move is strategic for Trump for many reasons: to provide a safer, less crime-ridden environment, to be closer to Mar-a-Lago, considering his health, and to make it more difficult for Democrats to win and access the White House. Trump will, however, announce the move as a profitable real estate investment for the American people.

More to follow as we learn additional details.