WASHINGTON – Kamala Harris, the Democratic presidential nominee in 2024, has a new job: she’ll be heading up a greeting card company.

Harris, who recently said that she wouldn’t run for California governor, made the announcement at the company’s headquarters, surrounded by smiling employees. “For years, I’ve mastered the art of speaking for exactly 90 seconds while conveying the emotional depth of a sympathy card,” Harris said. “Whether it’s ‘Thinking of you during this difficult time’ or ‘Congratulations on your achievement,’ I understand that sometimes the most powerful message is the one that could apply to literally anyone in any situation. Thus am I uniquely qualified to take on this new challenge.” She made a point of pointing out that she was speaking without notes. 

One company insider said, on condition of anonymity, that the job was actually an election and that Harris had won it, racking up a large vote total among the rank-and-file employees but also capturing a majority of the management vote, on the strength of her campaign slogan, “What America needs right now is sentiment without commitment, emotion without specificity.” 

A total of three people ran for the job. The company’s current CFO was the other major candidate but after campaigning for the job for a few months decided to withdraw. The third candidate, a former TV presenter turned marketing director, finished a distant second.

Harris refused to answer questions about her political future, saying that she had found her dream job and that she intended to keep it until she retired. “I’ve had enough of speaking in public,” she said. “From now on, I’m going to express my thoughts on these lovely cards. It will be so much better having more time to use fewer words.” She more wanted to discuss a series of new color schemes for the company’s products and to decide what furniture to have in her new office.