PLANO, TX – Following a study confirming that $7 is too steep for a tiny, edible bag of carcinogens, Frito-Lay executives are reportedly scrambling to adjust their pricing strategy before customers come to their senses and make healthier, cheaper choices.

“When sales plummeted and our stock tanked just hours after we raised prices by 100%, we were stumped,” said Frito-Lay CEO Mark O’Connell. “So, we did what any responsible company would do, we sent samples to the scientists.”

After conducting rigorous testing, which included eating the chips and analyzing the sheer audacity of the portion sizes, researchers confirmed Frito-Lay’s biggest fear, $7 was too much to pay for a snack that could be finished in 30 minutes but land you in the hospital for hundreds of hours of chemotherapy.

“As scientists, we’d recommend either increasing the bag size or reducing the price,” said Dr. Emily Tran, lead researcher on the study. “Consumers want to feel like they have a good deal. When they’re bald and hooked up to a feeding tube, they want to be able to think, ‘At least I got my money’s worth’.” 

Industry consultants agreed, pointing to the synthetic hair industry as an example of smart carcinogen pricing.

“What we’d actually recommend is following the business model of hair extensions,” said one in-house analyst. “Now those are companies that know how to sell cancer properly, without having to rely on TV commercials.”

At press time, Frito-Lay executives, feeling stifled by FDA regulations and price limits, were considering all-natural, organic alternatives to MSG, Yellow dye 5, and Red dye 40, to justify keeping prices high.